LDS DIVORCED MEN SURVEY RESULTS 2012/19

The men's side of the story.

SURVEY RESULTS

This is a private, very confidential, voluntary survey that is not in any way officiated by the LDS Church. Thank you for helping to gather information that will be used to help educate members and leaders to better support those going through, or having been through divorce. If you are interested in contributing to this ongoing research, please take this survey FOR THE BRETHREN at:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZXJXZXQLDSDIVORCEDMEN

CHRIST'S CHURCH IS FOR ALL

QUESTION NUMBER ONE:

1. If you went inactive because of the divorce, what would it take to make you want to come back?

NUMBER ONE ANSWER: "Fellowshipping"

"I feel isolated and alone in my ward. Its hard to stay motivated to go. An actual friend would be nice." "Unconditional love from other members." "I did for a short time. It took prayers from family and friends on my behalf combined with a good Bishop and good friends who came and visited me to give me the nudge I needed." "Strong support from members of the ward I am to help me get back." " I always want to be active but certain things trigger a since of not feeling like I'm wanted or I'm out of place," "I've already come back after 2 yrs of inactivity and all it took was an invitation. I moved while inactive and for 18 months there was never a knock on my door by the ward (though its my responsibility to go back not theirs) but one day 2 sister missionaries startled me in my garage and simply said "So will we see you on Sunday?" The rest is history." "I did go inactive for a month or two. I knew that I wanted to go back, but it felt so odd being around kids and families. It was difficult to feel accepted." "I just had gone through years of agony in a bad marriage, and then was treated like I had leprosy when my wife left. Just treat me like you did before the divorce. As if divorce isn't hard enough, to have your friends and ward family treat you like you carry the plague....I know the church is true, but the members need to work on being more 'Christ-like.' Christ would never treat His children this way." 

NUMBER TWO ANSWER: "I wish there was a 'Single's Ward.'"

"I like singles wards because singles often feel out of place in traditional married wards. But for those of us over 45...none exist."  "fellowship of single adults',"Fellowshipping of SA," "I wish there was a 'single's ward' to attend with people who have like issues. I'm over 45 and feel like a not-wanted mis-fit." "I no longer felt welcome in the family ward, so I fled to the 'Single's Ward' and found the support and fellowshipping that I needed." "Single's Wards are the best. I started coming again only because there was a group of single friends who took me to the 'single's ward where I felt accepted." 

NUMBER THREE ANSWER: "Family wards should be more aware of the Single's." 

"Not feeling like I am out of place as a single parent. same goes for my kids. People in the Church want to be nice and understanding, but they don't get it. All my kids get is what the ideal is, and never felt comfortable in the situation they were put in because of the parents." "I would say occasionally bringing in some thoughts, talks, or lessons that pertain more to singles. There is so much focus on family (not that that is a bad thing)." "I wish I didn't feel like the 'elephant in the room' when I came to church, or the latest item of gossip." "I wish there were more activities for us in the family wards." 

NUMBER FOUR ANSWER: "Ward leaders could be more supportive."

"I never lost my testimony I just felt so alone like I was the only divorced member of my ward. My ward and stake leadership had no clue how to help me." "More acceptance of humility in the repentance process. Feel like the process degrades you and humiliates you in a bad way. Makes a man want to "shop around" for a more empathetic and understanding Bishop." "I'm currently active, but only because a wonderful home teacher visited me and made sure to let me know that everyone in the ward cared about me." "I wish that the leaders had more training about how to support the Singles, and not make them feel left out." 

NUMBER FIVE ANSWER: "A woman." 

"The love of a good and forgiving woman." "A date or girl friend who is active." "I would probably go more often if I had a female to go for or with." "I returned to church when I was ready to date. I wanted to find a Mormon woman to marry." "When I'm ready to get into another relationship, I will come back to mingle with the ladies in the church." "I need to have a good woman in my life, I would return for that."

COMMENTS: 

*"I did not go inactive - though it felt horrible, coming back to my family ward where I lived prior to my marriage...I felt like a complete failure (married at 40, separated/divorced at 43). I had family in that ward, but it was the friendship of 2 men that truly helped...one was the Elders Quorum President (he had been my home teacher 7 years before when I moved to Utah), and the other was the EQ pres when I got married, later a counselor in the Bishopric - 2 years later and he is now the High Priests Group leader....and still a good friend. It has helped that in his past, he himself had made serious mistakes while a young man, and had difficulties with some of his children - including a suicide. I think that many MANY times, we LDS are so focused on "be ye therefore perfect" (and especially if we ourselves have always walked the straight line and never messed up ourselves in major ways) that we find it rather hard to relate to - or even sympathize - with those who are hurting inside, whether from sin or family dissolution...so many people just have no frame of reference, unless they have gone through trials similar to my HP group leader. We have in our mind the ideal Mormon family as the Osmonds or the homefront TV commercials of the 1970's...as we can't live up to that very easily (hence the overuse of Prozac among Utah LDS women - not including the over prescribing to youth on basis of ADD/ADHD)..."

*"Did go inactive. Came back because I had a testimony, and was tired of living in hypocrisy."

*"My desire for happiness brought me back."

QUESTION NUMBER TWO:

2. What state did you live in at the time of your divorce? 

IN ORDER OF HIGHEST NUMBER:

*Utah and California 

*Texas

*North Carolina

*Idaho, Nevada, Ohio, Washington, Kansas, Pennsylvania

*Georgia, Arizona, Virginia, Missouri, New York

QUESTION NUMBER THREE:

3. Who was the partner to file for divorce? 

I was...............................................................20.0%

She was.........................................................55.9%

It was a joint decision...................................16.1%

QUESTION NUMBER FOUR:

4. What were the reasons for the divorce? 

Infidelity......................................................................52.5%

Personality Disorders/emotional-mental illness:

Bi-polar, depression, narcissism, sociopathic, 

paranoia, suicidal, psychopathic, etc....................38.4%

Abuse:

Physical, emotional/verbal, sexual, isolation,

control, passive aggressive, stalking, etc.............37.4%

Financial:

No job, not enough money, controls the 

money, lies about the money.................................28.3%

Inability to tell the truth.............................................20.2%

Addiction:

Porn, pedophilia, drugs, alcohol, money, sex......16.2% 

Same sex attraction...................................................5.1%

********************************************************************

On my part.................................................................14.1%

On her part.................................................................62.6%

A mix of both..............................................................23.3%

QUESTION NUMBER FIVE:

5. How many years were you married?

Less than one year...................................................1.7%

Between 1 and 5 years..........................................16.1%

Between 6 and 10 years........................................20.3%

Between 11 and 20 years.....................................45.8%

Between 21 and 40 years.....................................16.1%

Over 40 years..............................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SIX: 

6. How many years did you stay in the marriage while it was "bad?"

Less than one.............................................................16.4%

Between 1 and 5........................................................46.6%

Between 6 and 10......................................................19.0%

Between 11 and 20....................................................13.8%

Between 21 and 40......................................................4.3%

More than 40...................................................................0%

QUESTION NUMBER SEVEN:

7. Once you realized that you were in a bad marriage, what were the reasons for waiting to get out? 

Doing everything I could to fix the marriage............66.7%

The children..................................................................47.9%

Temple Marriage.........................................................44.4%

Fear of others reactions..............................................9.4%

Finances.......................................................................7.7%

No support....................................................................5.1%

Fear of abuse...............................................................2.6%

Other..............................................................................24.8%

Comments:

*"I did everything I could. and to be honest she fought it also. But eventually (and because of some other things going on) I had to allow her to leave. Forcing her to stay isn't any different than choosing divorce IMHO."

*"She was my best friend."

*"I left after she started doing DUI and sleeping with men in my home. I had no money to file for a divorce because she would not contribute to the upkeep of the home or our child."

*"Where still close friends, no intimacy, just good friends."

*"obligation."

*"Fear of Failure, it took me 2 years before I dared to speak to my family about it " 

*"Still love her."

*"I felt I'd be breaking my temple covenants.."

*"fear of living on my own."

*"wife had cancer."

*"I didn't want a divorce as I felt it is one of the worst things that could happen."

*"afraid she would get children and abuse them further."

*"Hoping for me to change."

*"commitment."

*"Started back to the Church."

*"If my ex had been willing to work together on the marriage I would never have filed."

*"I made her file because I found someone else and I did not care."

*"church leaders involved, not trained licensed counselors."

*"Got out as soon as I found out but it took a while."

*"Each time I prayed the Lord said STAY."

*"inertia."

*"Although I say "doing everything I could" hindsight shows I could have done more but wonder if more would have ever been enough."

*"Despair."

*"hope she would change."

*"I FELT LIKE I HAD TO."

8. How Large of a Trial Was This For You? 

1. The worst trial of my life........................................................71.3%

2. A definite trial, but I've had worse.........................................24.59%

3. Not a big deal..........................................................................3.28%

4. A delightful experience............................................................. .82%

9. Did you ever have suicidal thoughts of 

suicide or running away during the divorce?

1. Both suicide & running away...................................................14.88%

2. No............................................................................................57.85%

3. Suicide......................................................................................19.01%

4. Running away............................................................................8.26%

10. What were the ages of your children (if

any) at the time of the divorce?

1. Infants.........................................................................................6.25%

2. Toddlers/Preschoolers................................................................36.61%

3. Elementary School.....................................................................55.36%

4. Jr. High......................................................................................29.46%

5. High School...............................................................................35.71%

6. College/Young Adult.................................................................21.43%

7. Married/Older Single Adults......................................................13.39%

11. During and after the divorce I:

1. Kept my emotions to myself, putting on a brave front................33.61%

2. Showed my emotions to close associates only............................40.16%

3. Was free with my emotions........................................................13.93%

4. Withdrew from society and kept to myself.................................27.87%

5. Clung to family and friends for support......................................27.05%

12. What were the results from your approach?

1." I learned that we can take nothing for granted, because, we may never get another chance!!!!"

2. "Healing."

3. "I received considerable family and friend support but proved to be a negative in subsequent dating."

4. "A lot of people are void of compassion and don't want to hear about other people's problems. Latter-Day Saints are huge hypocrites when it comes to "morning with those that mourn".

5. "I chose not to tell my family all that had gone on because I did not want any Judgements, even towards her. Our Bishop doesn't even know the entire story. Only a few select very close friends do. and in fact I didn't even meet them until after we separated. They were with me through the actual divorce and many other trials. I have found the greatest support through some amazing friends that I literally met on FB! I had support that I never received from any church member who knew me. The friends are all LDS as well. And from different States. But I have been blessed to be able to meet them. And one I see regularly who has become my best friend."

6. "I got full custody of my 3 daughters and life is good because the church teaches self sufficiency."

7. "It finally spilled all out when a Bishop asked me if I wanted to talk.. I really needed to let it all go... He gave me a Priesthood Blessing after, and I was much better."

8. "A break down a year and a half after the divorce during deployment to Afghanistan."

9. "Loneliness, depression."

10. "alcohol, drugs and self harm."

11. "I wasn't being man enough to put an end to it."

12. "Drove me to counseling within a month. Spent 9 months in counseling to start to scab over the deep wounds. Took 5 years to heal with zero help from the church. In fact it was horrible from the church, they just could not understand."

13. "Usually helpful, exhausting for others. Concerned that all I did was complained, but was just focusing on how to eliminate the negatives so she could see positives. And mainly to help kids through it all."

14. "Several of my family members initially said I was a liar and aligned themselves with my ex. In the last two years since the official separation, all but two have come around and realized that I was not the liar, cheater or thief."

15. "I felt I had no choice. It was depressing and left me constantly tired."

16. "I received a tremendous amount of support from my family."

17. "I pushed my family away and it wrecked my career."

18. "Good. My friends and family supported me."

19. "When my marriage was failing, I put on the brave front approach. As the divorce was imminent and eventually filed withdrew from society (i.e. church) and clung to the support offered by friends and family who had experienced what I was going through. The results? Despite not having family geographically close I feel I have a good support system (not perfect) for me and my kids."

20. "It's just how I am - not everyone needs to see me wearing my emotions. I don't know what the results were compared to some other approach."

21. "Positive. I have avenues to express emotions and thoughts to those who would not degrade me. I also had mature and balanced people who would let me know if I was in the right and even when I am wrong in dealing with every situation."

22. "It dragged on far too long before I had reason to see my concerns as valid - whereas she was frequently telling her daughters how bad I was / letting them continue with the image of me as a horrible immoral husband."

23. "I moved on."

24. "I was withdrawn from society and I kept to myself."

25."I became even lonelier than before."

26. "It helped keep most of my life (outside of the marriage) pretty normal."

27. "I now some of the closest friends ever and a few new ones."

28. "Support from family and friends."

29. "Finding comfort in the wrong places."

30. "I lost contact with many of my friends and it led me to go inactive."

31. "I did break down crying once outside my bishop's office while waiting to meet with him. It was really hard to deal with it and my family tried to support me but knew that I had to work through it."

32. "They were my support group and without them, I would have gone insane."

33. "It has been a very healthy, liberating experience."

34. "Unhappiness but thankful for support I got."

35. "I finally realized the harder I tried to reconcile with my wife who left me, the more antagonistic she became. I finally realized after 15 months since she left, I was forced to sign off."

36. "Feeling isolation and abused by leadership and especially by lack of support from the relief society which went out of the way to punish me for getting custody."

37. "Too much info about our divorce got out."

38. "I found it a good "middle way" not keeping it bottled up but not wearing my emotions on my sleeve either."

39. "Loneliness, depression."

40. "An Affair."

41. "varied results from different people."

42. "Just lonely a lot. Didn't have much time for friends or socializing."

43. "I wish I would have kept more things to myself. My friends, family and colleagues were great and very supportive, I just feel I looked weak in hind sight."

44. "Educated."

45. "It helped me to stay strong in the gospel."

46. "It helped but I also took up Competitive Couples Dancing which helped to keep me busy and focus elsewhere."

47. "I'm not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve anyway, so it was business as usual."

48. "It worked well for me as my ward family was close associates and they helped to carry me through."

49. "Isolation, self doubt."

50. "There are not support resources in the church. I became an island, unwanted, isolated, my home teacher bought into her stories and told me to go to hell. The Elders Quorum Presidents wife, looked me in the face and said "I hate you, I've always hated you". My ex's smear campaign turned my divorce into the test of Christianity for the ward. Few passed the test. Many would avoid me. I've seen others go through the same challenge. The Church does not address mental health issues / challenges in marriage. Personality Disorders from abuse do enter into a marriage."

51. "I went to counseling before the divorce and stuck with it, got everything out, dealt with it and recovered quickly."

52. "Helped get it off my chest."

53. "Some encouragement and good advice."

54. "No one came to my aid and I needed help."

55. "Feeling alone in a new state with no new friends. I know that if I venture into the singles scene with same sex attraction that I'll get a lot of judgment. Plus, I'm not interested in marriage or women anymore because no matter how hard a man with this struggles -Women always find a fault."

56. "Amicable divorce."

57. "Drove the women away. Kept feeding my emotions and delayed the healing process. Two weeks after the divorce she moved in with a man she had been dating the last three years of marriage, Spent the nights with him and the days with her children."

58. "I was able to heal and work on moving on with the pain."

59. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

60. "Very bad. Very angry, unbalanced, unable to appropriately deal with people. I was a very poor, angry and stupid step-father."

61. "I am so freakin lonely and my emotions are just barely contained, but I'm wiser, more calm, and introspective."

62. "it ended up strengthening my testimony but alienating some people."

63. "Not sure, but she shared the situation with everyone and some became biased against me so I started sharing with more people."

64. "Everyone told me I had to fix it. Even when I approached her about counseling, she said that I needed to go. Marriage counseling has to be for both, when she told me that I was the one that needed to go, it let me know that what she said the year before was correct, the marriage was over."

65. "Stubborn caring friends bashed through my walls. They helped."

66. "Detachment from people whom I once associated with."

67. "I was looked at as a weakling by church leaders."

68. "Seemed to work. I didn't go crazy, kept my business going, and took care of my then 15 year old daughter."

69. "I felt safer and more at ease."

70. "INTERNAL PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT, I FELT VERY ALONE."

71. "SPLITTING UP WAS SUCH A RELIEF THAT I FELT WORSE THAT OUR FAMILY WAS BROKEN UP THAN I DID ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED TO MY EX ANYMORE."

13. Did your marriage affect your health? 

1. Very much.................................................................................30.33%

2. Somewhat..................................................................................39.34%

3. Not at all.....................................................................................30.33%

14. What was your children's reactions to your divorce?

1. Anger at you................................................................................14.78%

2. Anger at your spouse...................................................................16.52%

3. Anger at you and your spouse......................................................18.26%

4. Became distant, moody, kept to themselves..................................32.17%

5. Became rebellious, got into trouble...............................................23.48%

6. Grades dropped in school/participation in activities stopped.........23.48%

7. Church attendance stopped...........................................................20.87%

8. Gained or lost weight......................................................................7.83%

9. Started experimenting with drugs/alcohol.......................................6.96%

10. Ran away from home...................................................................1.74%

11. Took sides with one of the parents..............................................22.61%

12. No changes at all.........................................................................12.71%

13. They were glad for the change....................................................16.52%

14. They improved with their attitudes and happiness.........................6.09%

15. They began to thrive......................................................................5.22%

16. Other.............................................................................................33.04% 

Comments:

1. "Thankfully, my children know who demanded the destruction of their family. I'm thankful that kids are as smart as they are and can see their parents for who/what they truly are."

2. "Her daughter took it the hardest I think. SHe had a lot of anger at the situation. We had a lot of long talks. I did not want that to enter her heart even if she knew the truth. I had to forgive her Mom and so should she. They are doing better now although I believe there is still some resentment. Her 2 boys were different. They didn't say much. She began allowing them to do whatever they wanted (The daughter was married and out of the house) Our daughter is very worried about her brothers. Says she knows her life is the way it is because I was in it. SHe fears the boys will be forever in need of someone else to take care of them. The oldest brother is 21 and has never gotten his drivers license! He just graduated (GED) from high school last year."

3. "Only the eldest has had an emotional reaction."

4. "They were her children of her previous marriage.."

5. "Varied kid to kid."

6. "initially sad and hopeful add reconciliation, then after getting kicked out of mom's home and living with me more, I helped then through and reconcile with mom, I kept stable lifestyle kids could count on and thrived in."

7. "Thankfully, due to immigration processes, my daughter never really remembers our being together."

8. "Have not seen or spoken to them."

9. "They wanted us to stay together."

10. "Luckily no children involved because they are the ones that suffer the worse in the long run."

11. "It didn't make sense to them."

12. "My ex and I worked VERY HARD to make sure our daughter was not affected. This really helped."

13. "They took sides until some of them started to figure out why she left, but didn't want to think ill of their mother."

14. "they were sad but glad. They were afraid of their mother and her friends. The oldest said about a month after mom was gone that the spirit had returned to our home and there is finally peace."

15. "they were unhappy about it, and struggled some, but adapted well."

16. "My oldest daughter took moms side, very belligerent and angry. Her grades have slipped and she has gained a lot of weight. She has had many episodes of anger at the church building school and also at home."

17. "they were as stable as could be hoped, except the youngest daughter - expressing much grief."

18. "I kept the kid out of it much as possible."

19. "only later in life did they express their sadness and how if affected them. my eldest son especially."

20. "The 5 year old was sad but relieved when my ex left. The 3 year old was sad but both adapted (I have full custody)."

21. "Guess they were all relieved I was gone."

22. "son took a long time to potty train, kept wetting the bed."

23. "they were sad but really too young to understand."

24. "I never talked to them about it. She had the children and I walked away."

25. "I'm basically just the guy their mom was married to."

26. "developed severe separation anxiety."

27. "They were glad for the change because they were tired of the tension and contention."

28. "Each of 4 children reacted very differently, 2 older children angry at motehr, 1 younger child angry at me, 1 child 15 yrs old, had extreme reaction became depressed & ran away."

29. "with six kids there were quite an array of actions/comments."

30. "They resent being juggled, but can see that we're all happier now."

15. When did your divorce take place? 

1. Within a year ago............................................................................16.39%

2. Within the last five years.................................................................44.26%

3. Six to ten years ago.........................................................................14.75%

4. More than eleven years ago............................................................24.59%

16. How set were you financially after the divorce?

1. Very well..........................................................................................4.07%

2. Satisfactory......................................................................................30.89%

3. Barely surviving...............................................................................65.4%

COMMENTS:

1. "We both went from very well off, to living in poverty. I hope it was worth it to her. It was hardly fair to our children."

2. "Not as good as I could have been had we stayed together.. I took some financial aid sooner than I could have to help us out, long before she pulled the plug.. Had I know this was coming, I would have waited and received much more money by taking it later.. So I am forever screwed!"

3. "broke, I lost everything to her. I only had a job and a car and clothes."

4. "My financial situation has been so much better since the divorce than it ever was during out marriage."

5. "Underwater on Monthly expenses...trying to fix up and sell house."

6. "As noted, we never had much to begin with...I had a $10/hr job, and moved back with my parents - but I had no car."

7. "I'm definitely worse off financially, since I earned less than my wife while we were married. But I can pay my bills, so I'm doing okay."

8. "I went from having a well established savings before the marriage to wondering how I was going to pay my bills."

9. "I was making a major career change at the same time as the divorce and was just starting my own business."

10. "I was in commercial lending which was hard hit by the economy and was laid off. When the money started to run out, she took half and left. I struggled until I found new work, and paid all my bills on time and tried to make the best of my situation."

11. "Had to get help from church and salvation army."

12. "Getting better but still tough."

13. "My ex wasn't having control of my finances again was a good thing. She was a financial drain on me during our marriage."

14. "My career was impacted negatively as I tried to salvage my marriage. It's never recovered."

15. "I had a job, she did not and is struggling emotionally from it all, I still carry the burden of the finances till the property sells."

16. "Totally destroyed financially. Attorney of wife violated court orders, cleaned my ex out, spun my costs out of control. A bar complaint against her and she withdrew, but the financial damage and 20 years of house equity were destroyed. Now I have IRS and State Tax challenges, my ex left the state, won't work, won't pay her way, won't reimburse, won't pay child support. Children live with me, she abandoned them. All of these issues, had multiple times that intervention could have happened, but bishops believed that I was the problem, and it took years for them to see the reality, but the damage was done."

17. "I gave all I had to her...then slowly rebuilt."

18. "Bought out of the house, but was still enrolled in grad school."

19. "I lost my job about eight months later and have been unemployed for a year."

20. "foreclosure and bankruptcy."

21. "She stole my identity ran up credit card debt and the filed for divorce after the damage was done."

22. "losing her was a financial boon."

23. "lost jobs spending too much of my time traveling to fix the Marriage."

17. How financially set was your ex-wife after the divorce?

1. Better than me.........................................................................32.50%

2. Very well set...........................................................................14.17%

3. Satisfactory..............................................................................32.50%

4. Not very well..........................................................................15%

5. Barely surviving......................................................................15%

6. I gave her nothing.....................................................................1.6%

COMMENTS:

1. "I was ordered to give her about 68% of my gross income."

2. "It was her choice. I gave her 65% of the 401K and a few items she asked for. I retained the home and vacation condo as she could never afford it. I myself struggle to affford it on my own."

3. "Ex is worth more after divorce than during marriage."

4. "She is Ms.Payday loans... She recently started hitting up my family members for loans."

5. "My ex left me with a huge mortgage on a house that was worth $200,000 less that what was owed due to the realestate down turn. She did not gain much but left debt free."

6. "She doesn't report wage increases to health and welfare, so I continue to pay more for child support."

7. "My ex-wife wasn't about money or posessions, she just needed to break free."

8. "She had a house and car, but no job...though the small alimony I was able to pay her."

9. "She chose a quick Nevada divorce which required her to waive any claim to support.....I split 1 tax refund (only to avoid a huge tax bill to me). We mutually want zero contact with each other and haven't for almost 3 years."

10. "She took in "friends" who then took advantage of her."

11. "Her father's financial over-involvement was also a significant contributor to our breakup."

12. "She had no money management skills. with a good income, she was still constantly out of money. assets were divided in her favor, but she still squandered it."

13. "Don't know. She married twice after."

14. "i had 2 houses and gave her one and all the furniture so as the kids could be fine."

15. "She kept getting fired due to unstable behavior. After almost three years she's finally working at a good job in her field."

16. "I stipulated to carry the marital debt until the property sold. She is struggling emotionally with it all and cannot find work right now. The divorce has hurt her more than me."

17. "She got the house and her daddy paid for most of her legal fees as she said I had raped her. This made him want to destroy me financially. Untrue, but it helped her fund efforts to destroy me."

18. "She never improved upon her situation...I've been paying the mortgage ever since."

19. "she didn't know how to manage money."

20. "I could not afford for them to live with me. She had the house and the money."

21. "she got the house."

22. "She took everything." 

18. Who ended up with custody of the children (if applicable)?

1. We have joint custody, they live with her and I have visitation....56.98%

2. We have joint custody, they live with me and she has visitation...16.28%

3. I have sole custody........................................................................11.63%

4. She has sole custody......................................................................15.12%

MOST COMMON COMMENTS:

1. "she had them the first 5 years.....I have had them the last 11 years." "That has now changed after 8 years. My son now lives with me."

2. "We did not have any Kids together. I had 2 and she had 3. Her 3 are sealed to us both." "They were her step children."

3. "They are her children of her previous marriage."

4. "they were old enough, 2 months after the divorce all 4 lived with me." "There were no minor children." "They were all grown and out of the house." "All the children were over 18." "all the children are now married and we have very good relationships."

5. "I have custody of my daughters, she has my son. We both have occasional visitation." "We split custody...she took one and insisted I take the other."

6. "I see my child almost every day." "I see my child almost every day." "there were no limits on visitation rights."

7. "joint custody, 50/50 split." "50/50 split joint custody." "shared custody/legal, live 53/47 mom/dad." "We are supposed to have split 50/50 joint custody. Our child sleeps at my home 5/7ths of ever week." "Shared, equal time at each house." "We have joint cujstody of the minor son and he lives with each of us equally. her during the week. me every weekend." "In WA we have true joint custody. Kids stay with me half week her other half of week." "50/50." "due to Utah's slanted custody laws she got sole custody. ultimately I won joint custody in another states courts." "actually, we have joint physical custody, they go back and forth." "Joint custody, half time at each household."

8. "She had child with boyfriend. Grandparents have custody."

9. "I have sole custody due to her passing."

10. "This was a very sad sad arrangement yet the courts wouldn't give me more time, the family Law system is female basis."

11. "I have sole physical and legal custody. She has visitation." "We have joint custody, but she abandoned the children after getting remarried. Life was generally about her needs first, children secondary. After the divorce, she wanted to change the rules of the decree. I would not allow - holding her to healthy boundaries. She fled."

12. "We were separated for five years prior and the children lived with her. At the time of the divorce only one child was at home. I had visitation but he was an older teenager and was doing most things on his own by then, so there was no enforced visitation schedule. Plus I was working in a different state by then."

13. "Which I attribute to my lack of funds and her ability to vilify me in the eyes of so called officials."

14. "refused to let me see them till last year." "Ran with the kids and has been hiding in different states, filling the kids minds with falsehoods against me. I finally caught up with her and they are having a chance to get to know me better."

19. How financially secure are the children after the divorce?

1. I left no provisions for the children...............................................13.13%

2. Satisfactory...................................................................................63.64%

3. Very well set up I believe.............................................................22.23%

COMMENTS:

1. "I have a college fund set for the child and work hard to make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants."

2. "I lost my job because I couldn't work overtime. Worked temp agency positions to keep food on table and roof over our heads."

3. "they are making their way admirably..."

4. "We're scraping by. I'm in school and still trying to make inroads back into my career."

5. "I tried to protect the children's bank accounts, but she cleaned them out to pay her attorney after Court Orders to not do so. I caught her in this, but she lied to the Court and was able to steal about 50% of their funds. The court would not hold her to account."

6. "They did have their college paid, if they chose to go."

7. "Learned a lot of bad financial habits from their mother."

8. "Up until I lost my job. The youngest is now on a mission and the rest are married."

9. "Grown-up and on their own."

20. Were you "active" in the church at the time of the divorce?

1. Yes........................................................................................82.79%

2. Somewhat..............................................................................11.48%

3. No...........................................................................................5.74%

21. How did your ward/stake react to the news of your divorce?

1. Stood behind you, rallied around you for support, very compassionate........32.46%

2. Backed away, treated you differently, acted uncomfortable around you

    or disappeared...............................................................................................49.12%

3. Judged you, gossiped about you, blamed you (whether or not is was

    "your fault."..................................................................................................24.56%

4. You were treated with outward disdain.........................................................14.04%

5. No reaction, no change..................................................................................14.42%

COMMENTS:

1. "I don't really care though."

2. "It was so lonely... I finally moved away and didnt care to ever be there again.. My new Ward is also lonely.. No one knows how to treat older single men in the Church..."

3. "I had just come back into the Church after three years of being absent during the last part of the marriage."

4. "complete jerks, especially the bishop who fell in love with my ex."

5. "per ex, she claims others condemn me."

6. "Only my non-member or inactive neighbors still talk to me now."

7. "It was not publicized so many don't know."

8. "The men treated me about the same but the women that were friends with my ex definitely were much colder. I did not get invited to gatherings they had."

9. "Bishop & Stake President were very supportive.. With a few exceptions, I felt my Ward kept their distance from me. I think this is caused from a culture that simply does not know what to say to someone going through divorce."

10. "She forced a division in the ward so that people were forced to take sides. While I was supported a great deal by ward members it was done quietly because of the open hostility of a portion of the R.S. and tacit approval of the Bishop."

11. "I left that stake and city, and lost contact with all members...from what she has told me, the ward members were both sympathetic to her, and gossping about her...I have no idea what they thought about me."

12. "I think, because they did not know my ex-wife very well, it was easier for them to be supportive."

13. "they stood behind me, but I wouldn't really say that they "rallied around."

14. "I wasn't in that ward long enough to really know people but when they found out my wife left and wasn't coming back they actively avoided me (or at least thats how it felt it may not be true) its why I stopped going to church."

15. "I joined after my divorce. But was an investager during the divorce and they were very good to me."

16. "Relief society treated me as the enemy and believed all the ex's lies. l had to defend myself about getting custody... even saying you were not there and a judge carefully considered the facts."

17. "I was in my bishops office trying to save my marriage while she was moving out of my house. and He knew she was moving.! many betrayals by church leadership during that time."

18. "I was especially shocked at my Bishop and Stake Pres. Although I was the only one active for over a year before the divorce, they took her side. I was called in their offices monthly to go over concerns of my X. They wanted me to cave in and give her everything she was not getting in the courtroom. I was shocked. I would take my girls to church myself and have family prayer etc at home.."

19. "not sure. but my stake president told me to get divorced, we were very good friends."

20. "There were two families in the ward that showed support. The rest? Crickets..."

22. How much information did you let out about your divorce?

1. I didn't tell anybody anything.........................................................10.57///5

2. I only told my bishop......................................................................34.96%

3. I only told close associates..............................................................46.34%

4. I told anyone who was interested....................................................29.27%

5. I told everyone who would listen.....................................................9.76%

It's hard to know who we can trust during a divorce. 

23. If you confided with your bishop, what kind of support did you receive? 

1. He was very supportive, checked on me regularly......................39.66%

2. He was clearly against the divorce................................................6.03%

3. He did not want to get involved...................................................30.17%

4. Other:...........................................................................................37.93%

24. Did your ward/stake calling change due to your divorce?

1. YES................................................................................52.54%

2. NO..................................................................................47.46%

25. If your calling changed during/after the divorce what calling did you have, and what change was made?

COMMENTS:

NUMBER ONE MOST COMMON ANSWER:

1. 

NUMBER TWO MOST COMMON ANSWER:

NUMBER THREE MOST COMMON ANSWER:

NUMBER FOUR MOST COMMON ANSWER:

NUMBER FIVE MOST COMMON ANSWER:

26. If your calling was changed, what is your opinion of the reasoning behind the change?

1. He was trying to lower my stress level...............................................30.77%

2. He was fearful that you might talk about your divorce........................6.15%

3. He was fearful that you might be dangerous to other's marriages........4.62%

4. It was inspired....................................................................................15.38%

5. Other..................................................................................................56.92%

27. If you left your spouse because of infidelity, addiction, or other crimes against the principles of the church, was your spouse brought before a church counsel?

1. YES...............................................................................................19.12%

2. NO.................................................................................................80.88%

28. If your spouse committed a crime against the moral principles of the church, what is her present standing? 

1. Active but holds no callings.........................................................6.33%

2. Active but is on probation............................................................1.27%

3. Active and has callings................................................................25.32%

4. Active and holds high callings of leadership................................1.27%

5. Inactive........................................................................................24.05%

6. Excommunicated or disfellowshipped.........................................10.13%

7. Other:..........................................................................................53.16%

                                    

29. If the marriage ended because of infidelity, or other crimes against the moral principles of the church, committed by yourself, were you brought before a church counsel/court? 

1. Yes....................................................................................37.14%

2. No.....................................................................................62.86%

30. If the marriage ended because of crimes you committed, and you were brought before a church counsel, what were the results? 

1. Advised to get counseling...................................................1.72%

2. Counseled by the bishop.....................................................3.45%

3. Disfellowshipped...............................................................13.79%

4. Excommunicated...............................................................12.07%

5. Found great support and compassion.................................1.72%

6. Other:

COMMENTS: 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "The Bishop did nothing."

"It never happened, it was ignored even when she tried to get it to happen."

"I was never called in to talk about it." "It was never dealt with at all." "When I confessed, he acted like it was no big deal, which made it hard to stop. He should have come down hard on me, it would have helped." "Nothing was done. I was kind of surprised." "I knew they wouldn't do anything, times have changed, this is just the way things are now." "My wife tried to get him to but I knew he wouldn't." "The bishop was an old friend of mine, he just told me to be more careful." 

Bishops act as judges in Zion

31. If so, do you feel like you truly went through the process of repentance?

1. Yes........................................................................................70.36%

2. No..........................................................................................16.57%

3. It did not seem necessary for church attendance or activity....14.06%

32. Were your Home Teachers changed during/after the divorce?

1. No change...............................................................................52.21%

2. Yes, to a very helpful couple of brethren..................................3.54%

3. Yes, to an older brother..............................................................0%

4. Yes, to a married couple............................................................. .88%

5. Other:.......................................................................................43.36%

COMMENT:

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:  "He stopped coming." 

"Home Teacher felt very uncomfortable so he dropped out completely." "I would describe our Elder's Quorum President at the time of being ADD and I seemed to get new HTs every couple months. I did not have particulary active HTs during my divorce." "They stopped coming and avoided me." "They stop coming.""Rarely see our home teachers."

"Yes, I did not have home teachers dispite repeated requests through the 11 months. I did my home teaching monthly during the entire divorce. My X kept our family HT and X mother in law told Bishop not appropriate we have same HT so Xwife kept them, I had no one." "They disappeared, it was like I was dropped off and didn't exist." "Church records sent to Salt Lake. no church contact after that since no longer counted as a member." "I haven't seen home teachers in over 2years, even after personally speaking about my experiences in priesthood meeting and asking for contact." .....and more........

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I did not have any before or after the divorce."

"I haven't had a home teacher since 2010." "I don't know, didn't get visited before or after." "No home teacher had ever visited me since the year before my divorce." ""i have no idea. the first time i was home taught since about 2006 was earlier this year (2013)--a full two years after the divorce." "I had no home teachers for about three years."

"I didn't know who my home teachers were." "Wasn't getting visited." "had no HT."...and more.....

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "I moved."

"CHANGED WARDS." "Moved to different ward." "Ward boundary change." "I moved out." "Yes, I moved out of town." "I went to a different ward."....and more.....

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER: "He contributed to the problem."  

"Home teacher was part of the problem. My ex would wait until I was working and call him to come and fix stuff, telling him I didn't care... she duped him into the mix, so he was pretty disdainful to me... told me to go to hell.... he bought into her trap. He is now the bishop... he enabled her to destroy... yet thought he was helping. He would not come to the house with a companion..." "One of the brothers assigned to home teach my family said some inappropriate things about me in front of my children because of his one-sided views. It caused a wedge between me and one child. He also was a companion with one child. This was when we were only separated and I asked for a change in home teaching assignments but I don't think it happened."....and more.........

33. Do you feel like your Home Teachers were helpful?

1. Yes, very supportive and compassionate.............................21.24%

2. Somewhat supportive..........................................................19.47%

3. Not at all..............................................................................20.35%

4. Never came.........................................................................33.63%

COMMENTS: 

"Home Teachers were reassigned so often they never had a chance to be successful." 

"They were not needed, again, less people the better."

"They were friendly but had no idea what to say or do."

"No they fought with each other and I did not care for there visits."

"To be fair, I'm not sure my home teachers knew much about the situation."

"very negative."

"We had good home teachers when I lived in the ward, but we didn't include them in our problems."

"Rarely came, but, in fairness, what could they do?" ....and more.....

34. Are/were you interested in any of the married women/men in your ward/stake? 

1. No, I'm insulted anyone would think that of me....................63.25

2. Possibly, if she/he is good looking...........................................3.42

3. Absolutely yes..........................................................................0%

4. Other:.....................................................................................29.91%

COMMENTS: 

"if it's meant from God yes!!!!" "I don't believe in adulterous remarriages. Jesus Christ clearly teaches against the practice in the New Testament, D&C and JST Luke 16:16-23." "No.. I was only interested and very in love with my former spouse..." "Attracted to yes....but more because of what I had and what they have. Still off-limits in my mind." "i have no interest in marriage ever again." "There are many women(married) whom I like the attractive qualities they have but they are reminders that there are women out there like them and I've never been attracted to any women in a relationship or put thought into that. So, no." "Interested, yes, entertaining it, no way, they're married! I only date unmarried." "I have a no married person rule. Though I have occasionally wondered what it would be like to be 'the other man'..." "I had/want my own wife - not anyone else's....just want someone that will trust me and love me for me..." "The answer is "NO", but I'm not insulted. Poor wording for a survey." "I would not seek a married woman only single woman." "No, not AT ALL but the question doesn't offend me. But married people are absolutely off limits." "NO!!! Unlike my wife, I am not a home wrecker. I only deal in very single people. Period!" "Too busy to get to know them, but I would not rule it out at all." "A divorced woman in my ward asked me out the week my divorce was final. It did not work out and I realized it was a mistake to date anyone from my own ward. She had dated two other divorced men in our ward and bad mouths them relentlessly. I thought I would be different and was very wrong. Will not ever make that mistake again." "After I married I was very cognizant of keeping a respectful distance from others of the opposite sex, married or not, and made sure not to encourage the development of any friendships that didn't include my wife and both people in any couple we were friendly with." "I already had her picked out before the divorce. I am now married to her." "Its hard to know where to look for a companion. What the Lord's plan of Happiness is. I've prayed sincerely for 15 years to find reprieve from the abuse... now that I have peace and am free.. and trying to find someone emotionally healthy... its troubling how broken those who are single are... its a melting pot of mental illness. I have married women who I admire and who have many of the characteristics that I think would make for a wonderful marriage, but they are taken. Should they free themselves from their marriage, there are several who I would want to pursue... hard to know who is happily married as many fake it... we did for nearly 15 years, but behind closed doors abuse was rampant... I suspect that is the case with many who seem happily married. In my ward / stake.. I have no idea who is single for the most part... there is not a good mechanism in place to find healthy singles... some marrieds do not wear rings." "What an extremely odd question to ask. Why would anyone be looking to find someone who is in a marriage already?" "Was not interested in any other woman until 14 years after the divorce." "not insulted, just would/did not." "Why look for something else when you had the best your could ever have." "There have been married women that I have admired and wished that our marriage was as strong as other couples I admired, but in no way have I ever wanted to be the cause or participant in breaking up a family." "What kinda question is that?! About what time frame is the question asking? Pre-divorce? Post-divorce? All that notwithstanding, I'm not interested in any married women nor have I ever been....and, given the question, that applies certainly to men as well." "no chance in hell." .....and more......

35. Did you continue to go to church after your divorce?

1. Yes...............................................................................62.60%

2. Occasionally.................................................................13.01%

3. No..................................................................................3.25%

4. Yes, but had to change wards.......................................15.45%

5. I had a period of waywardness after the divorce...........17.07%

6. I am determined never to go back...................................1.63%

COMMENT:

"went for a couple of months then had mental meltdown. felt angry nobody listened to me at church espcecially ward and stake leadership." "I was traveling a lot and now need a new ward because ex is uncomfortable with me there." "I was mostly living church standards during my short time of waywardness.. I simply lost the desire to go for a time." "I stayed in the same ward for 1.5 years before transferring." "I was inactive before the divorce. After the divorce, I began attending again. Best decision." "Was inactive for about 2 years, started back to church 8 months ago." "several years later, I left the church as part of my process of coming back." "For two and half years now consider myself inactive." "I only go because my new wife wants me to." "for a year or so." "I guess I found out that I really believed what I thought I did." "AFTER A WHILE."....and more......

                                                                                     

36. Looking back, how would you have done things differently during/after the divorce?

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                "I would have worked it out instead of getting a divorce."

"I would have stayed married to the irrational wife, and hoped God would make her well after death. Or at least get divorced after the children were grown." "I would have tried harder to deal with her bipolar irrationality...for the kids sake, if nothing else." "I would have tried harder to stay together." "Maybe fought harder to keep it going." "Did the best I could to save the marriage." .....and more.......

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "I did everything I could, would not do anything different."

"Would not change a thing." "I have done the best I could and always look to do the right thing even in the face of adversity. Not perfectly but try to find the best course of action." "There was almost nothing I could have done, unless it was to stand up for myself and confront her within the first 2 months of marriage...(or tell my family) both of which would have caused more problems, or be dismissed as adjustment problems in a new marriage. We NEVER had money for counseling, she didn't trust LDS Social Services as being truly trained/competent for marriage counseling, nor did she want to talk with the bishop about this, fearful of starting gossip about us/her." "My Stake President told me I was more than charitable and my new Stake President told me I passed with flying colors. My Bishop told me to just move on. I waited a year to tell my siblings who all lived out of town, hoping she'd be more apt to come back if they didn't know. Looking back, I should have told them right away like I did my local church leaders. My brothers were all very supportive and more helpful than I thought they'd ever be. I wasted a year in the healing process. Nothing...I did all that was asked of me of Heavenly Father and beyond. Many non members ask why I put up with it for so long." "no. i do not think so. i have often thought that if i truly loved i should not have divorced her, but she would not stop and so i made the decision to divorce. after she received the summon she was angry and said if you really loved me you would never have divorced me. i said i did love her but i need to get on with my life now, she had ample time to get back. i had a church lawyer handle my case and he said divorce her." "Would do the same, but pray extra hard for the Lord's help."....and more....

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "Child custody issues."

"Gotten joint custody of my daughter" "I would have had physical joint custody." "Focused more on my children before they moved to be with their mother" "I would have paid for an attorney. I thought that I could do it on my own, but soon afterward, she took advantage of some provisions and my lack of understanding, and moved the kids out of state and got sole legal custody." "I should have fought harder for the custody of my kids," "I would have fought harder for sole custody to protect my kids more." "Raising two kids alone has been difficult. We go to church but we miss a lot with one of us having sniffles or something more serious a fair amount of time." "I would have become the greatest father/mother figure in their lives - concentrating on their needs and not dating until they were 18." .......and more........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "I would have spoken up/ kept it to myself" 

 "I would have been more open."  "I would have been more assertive, stand up for my rights. I think I was still in love and didn't want to burn any bridges." "I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MYSELF MORE. I WAS CONCERNED WITH HOW THINGS WOULD BE FOR MY EX AFTER OUR DIVORCE, SHE WAS NOT CONCERNED ABOUT ME, SHE WAS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT HERSELF. I LET MYSELF BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF." "I think I would tell more people about what was going on. But other than that, I don't really know what to change. Nothing I did seemed to have any effect on anything." "I was too patient and too forgiving. I should have told her to get her act together." "Absolutely! I would have confronted her sooner." ""Been wiser as to whom I told the reasons," "Not told anyone about it. Just my parents and Bishop." .......and more.........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                   "I would have involved the church more/less"

"Would not have fell away for the three years leading up to the divorce." "Not gone to the bishop." "I would never have quit going to church. I would have held the scriptures closer by reading them every day. I would have been more diligent with daily personal prayer. Real prayer, getting down on my knees rather than the informal prayers that I tried to rely on." "I wouldn't have let it affect my church attendance. I moved into an awesome ward and didn't know it for 18 months because I went inactive." "During, would have brought leadership in for negotiation rather or supplemental to attorneys."

"Wish I had saved up more money for a better Lawyer and also not trusted in My Bishop for help...he let me down when I needed the Church the most." "I would have fought for a bishops court to call the lies out and to get her into help. The court could have ordered mental health interventions, but did not... the system is broken, laws are disregarded and women are given upper hand. Facts are disregarded if towards a woman, but if towards a man, the book is thrown at them. Not sure what I could have done differently. When I finally agreed to the divorce, she then opposed it, told the judge that if he allowed the divorce that I would start to date... he slammed his gavel down and declared us as a bifurcated divorce.. he took control away from her and I was very glad about that... it made my ex father in law livid... gave me freedom. She got into trouble with some men she was dating... not sure anything happened on a church level... as I did not pry into her life. She remarried a good man, he has been duped and now is starting to see her patterns of abuse... his kindness to me has turned more into disdain as he has been sucked into her web. I represented myself prose the last two years and that's when the tide turned in my favor..." .....and more.........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                     "I would have gotten out sooner" 

"I would have filed early Nd kicked her out," "I should have let her do it 5 years ealier, instead of trying onesided to fix it. Who forgets the 25th aniversary? Not me, but she had other plans." "Gotten divorced sooner." "Moved on faster! Lol! I and my current wife are still real good friends with my ex even though there are no children from the marriage! She since, worked out her problems with her family and apologized for the infidelity. I forgave her." ""I would have gotten out much earlier." "done it 12 years earlier." "I would have started the divorce much sooner and trusted her much less." "I would have filed instead of letting her do it, then I could have wrapped it up faster." "just done it sooner." and more..........

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      "I would have worked on my issues so she'd stay"

"tried to control my temper a little more so hopefully she doesn't file" "I would have been gentler, kinder, more loving and conciliatory. When she declared "This time I mean it!" I took her at her word and believed her. With that mind-set I missed and ruined the opportunities for reconciliation that appeared in the following months before I moved away." "Quit drinking." "I really don't know for sure. Maybe started on anti-depressants sooner and stayed on them." "During the divorce, I was being stupid, but my brother helped inspire me to repent, and return to The Lord. After the divorce, things have steadily been improving. Now if only I could get a job." "I would have kept the standards of the church. It would has been better than repenting." "Looking back, I would not have cheated. I would have had a more in-depth conversation with my wife about the marriage and worked on getting her to open up and communicate more."........and more.......

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      Dating related

"I would have been more careful on who I dated - saved more money, etc." "Would not have started dating for at LEAST two years." "I would have been wiser about the time to start dating again." "I would have become the greatest father/mother figure in their lives - concentrating on their needs and not dating until they were 18." and more............

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      Divorce handling/money

"I would have asked for a mental evaluation." "I probably handled things as best I could. Had I pressed for a more equitable settlement I likely could have gotten one but the settlement allowed me to get the divorce finalized and get on with life and healing." "I wouldn't have given her any money." "Gone to work more, fight more for parental rights and got back in school ASAP." "I would have paid for an attorney. I thought that I could do it on my own, but soon afterward, she took advantage of some provisions and my lack of understanding, and moved the kids out of state and got sole legal custody." "I should have fought harder for the custody of my kids," and more.............

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      "I would have sought counseling"

"I would have sought help IMMEDIATELY when I realized anything was setting. Hindsight!" "Sought more help / other fam therapists, her fam, other, to help defuse." "Gotten counseling earlier." "I would of tried counseling-despite knowing she was set in her ways and very controlling." and more...........

OTHER: 

"I had to get away from her in order for me to grow. Moved out of state 12 yrs after the divorce and the children were married and on their own. To grow quicker I could have moved sooner, but I had made a commitment to make all the repairs on the house till a certain time." "Killed her." ""I feel any way we make a choice, God get's us through it if we stay with his path....." "I may have made it too easy for her." "Not sure if I would have. I learned a great deal about myself and who I am through that process. I am looking at the reasons it was possibly set in motion for that to happen. He knew us each before we ever came here. He knew what type of person we each were destined to be. Some of those are those that choose divorce over working through the rough spots no matter how long. Some of us would not. and had I not gone through that I would have never discovered that about myself." "Probably not gotten married to her. She had too many issues that were unsolvable in her life before I met her and knew about them..." "never have got married." "If I knew that I would still be married." "I would not have married her."  "moved to another ward. I thought we could make this work because it's the true church and her life choices would probably take her somewhere else like her girlfriends church." "Never got married." and more............

37. Have you since remarried? 

1. No, but interested in doing so................................................63.20%

2. No, not interested...................................................................13.60%

3. No, interested, but not to an LDS woman...............................2.40%

4. Yes, but married into another bad situation.............................7.20%

5. Yes, very happily married......................................................10.40%

6. Yes, multiple times..................................................................5.60%

7. No, just co-habitating..............................................................1.60%

COMMENTS:

1. "No, but when the kids are raised and the time is right, I might consider it with the right woman."

2. "I'm not likely to remarry. If I did, it would definitely NOT be an LDS woman."

3. "I have looked around at dating websites but its too much."

4. "Am VERY interested in finding a faithful LDS woman."

5. "I probably won't do another temple wedding though."

6. "Currently engaged."

7. "No, not anytime soon. Had my first date last night."

8. "its a possibility but will see."

9. "She made promises that she would move from her home town to be with me and my kids. But instead she moved 1,500 miles further. She wanted me to move away from my kids and it was just a lie from the beginning. I knew it though but I took a chance and lost."

10. "Not ready to date yet ---- still healing"

11. "no; not particularly interested. But might consider it. I have co-habited on occasion."

12. "I've had 8 years of not very good experiences with LDS women, tired of the entitlement attitudes I've come across and the judging etc etc."

13. "Yes, one year after my divorce, I had been seeing her a year prior to the divorce when my ex-wife found out. That is what caused the divorce along with bad habits of porn and lying."

14. "Where are emotionally healthy women who are passionate about life and love... I mostly find broken and abused women... who are trying to heal. Pretty ones have been abused, homely ones have been overlooked- both have self-worth, self-esteem issues. Don't understand why the Church does not have a good mechanism in place to meet others around common interests. Rather they group by age... I have an 8 yr old. I am 51 and want more children.. I have been put out to pasture with the women who might be able to bear children. Dances... totally broken... turn lights down.. music up, get hormones raging, no chance to talk, see red flags, and this leads to more broken relationships... We need social activities around common areas of interest and to screen out those with mental health issues... this problem is the largest facing the church..."

15. "divorced again but still friends with second wife."

16. "Yes, and was in a great relationship and then she cheated as well."

17. "If there is anyone in this telestial realm that I can trust."

18. "each went inactive in the church."

and more..............

38. If you have not yet married, what is your hope of doing so? 

1. No hope or desire to................................................................13.13%

2. Some hope...............................................................................21.21%

3. Hopeful....................................................................................26.26%

4. Very hopeful............................................................................29.29%

COMMENTS:

1. "hopefully, when God is ready!!!"

2. "I have chosen to remain faithful to the covenant I made in the Temple to my chosen Eternal Companion. If she ever chooses to see the light and wants to come back with repentance I can not see myself blocking the way for her to do so. She has left the church for now and will likely never request a sealing cancellation. I will NEVER do that as well."

3. "difficult for me to open up to another woman after ex tore my soul."

4. "I feel a need to provide absolute financial security for a future spouse."

5. "goes back and forth, some days just don't think it likely due to baggage (age, looks, personality, kids, living style/location (small city), etc."

6. "I don't believe in hope. I believe in action."

7. "I want to remarry at some point in the future but am still very afraid of ending up in another abusive relationship."

8. "One day..."

9. "Not a lot of temple worthy people who intrest me."

10. "I definitely want to find someone who lives Church standards. Very important for me to date by the Spirit to help make this happen."

11. "I would like to, but I don't think I will find any sane woman that would be interested in me."

12. "Its hard trying to find someone that you're compatible with and doesn't mind your children."

13. "when the timing and person is right I will. I have been very happily single, and refuse to remarry just to fit the normal life criteria."

14. "Dated an LDS girl today.."

15. "not in a hurry actually."

16. "Prospects are slim... but hopeful"

17. "Maybe after the kids are raised and I don't have to focus on them but even then I may not remarry I am pretty content with just being a Dad for now."

18. "I'm married to God now."

19. "I waited the right amount of time."

20. "desire to, but not much hope."

21. "it took a long time to want to again, 10 years."

and more..........

39. Do you feel like you have recovered from the affects of the divorce? 

Divorce can be a maddening experience that takes time to recover from.

1. Very much so, better than before...........................................20%

2. Yes, I feel recovered..............................................................30.80%

3. Sometimes I feel recovered....................................................28%

4. Seldom do I feel recovered......................................................8%

5. Never do I feel recovered.......................................................8.8%

6. I am receiving counseling/therapy through the church...........1.6%

7. I am receiving counseling/therapy through private means......4%

COMMENTS:

1. "yes!! God is great..."

2. "The consequences are eternal...for myself and my children."

3. "The Savior came to me and soothed my broken, torn apart heart and replace the part that had been torn out, with a part of His heart.. And I was healed !!!"

4. "Good days and bad days just like a roller coaster, as time passes the more I find out about my ex and what she is currently doing these days upsets so much that I feel I take 2 steps backward for every 1 step of progress of releasing my feelings for her."

5. "It's an abuse relationship with the ex (uses kids as a tool). It won't be over awhile."

6. "It took some time."

7. "I went to counseling (through private means) for a year before and a year after the divorce was final for a total of 2 years."

8. "I will get there..."

9. "One child is getting counseling for depression resulting from the divorce."

10. "It took me several years to get over it."

11. "It is all a period of personal development."

12. "Well, since I already had someone, it really did not affect me all that much, I just moved on."

13. "Therapy is done, peace is ours... but its the gift that keeps on giving. Hard on children who have been abandoned by their mother, but actually better to be away from her patterns of abuse... very difficult for them. I am grateful she moved away for my sanity... relationships with those who have mental health issues is vexying, and misunderstood. Borderline/ Narcisstic Personality Disorders are rampant."

14. "Took years because I was my own therapist. Now I am free of much of the baggage I carried."

15. "I'm happier but not totally healed."

16. "However, I need to overcome trust issues with women."

17. "I feel recovered and look forward to a new relationship, but I don't want to get into another bad relationship."

......and more......

40. What kind of social support system did you have outside of the church?

1. Lots of family..............................................................................24.80%

2. Some family................................................................................47.20%

3. No family.....................................................................................8.8%

4. Lots of friends.............................................................................20%

5. Some friends...............................................................................56%

6. No friends...................................................................................10.40%

7. Professional help.........................................................................20%

8. Internet friends and family...........................................................15.20%

9. Other...........................................................................................12.80%

COMMENTS:

1. "GOD!!!!"

2. "close select friends some whom are married, divorce or single to offer support and advice"

3. "Support in the beginning. No support now."

4. "My closest family lives 12 hours away by car so I had to rely mostly on friends outside of the church for support/listening ear."

5. "my two cats and the dear Lord, myself."

6. "Some coworkers/bosses."

7. "Everyone has been very supportive."

8. "strangers often listened when LDS members would not."

9. "next to none - new in town, new job, kept to myself."

10. "The dancing community I am a part of helped a lot."

11. "No close family locally that could help. Two friends."

12. "Very little.. family got tired of listening. Would only confide selectively... very painful to be alone... professionals wanted money.. very insincere at times..."

13. "I could have relied more on family - siblings and parents - than I did."

14. "Bishop and Parents."

15. "Alcohol."

16. "My new ward has been great, as examples of discipleship, and as accepting supporters." .....and more......

You will need a good support group to lean on.....

41. Do you feel like you discovered who your true friends were in this process?

1. Yes..............................................................................59.17%

2. No...............................................................................16.67%

3. Maybe.........................................................................24.17%

COMMENTS:

1. "There are NONE!"

2. "Made many friends in the church mid singles groups."

3. "I have hardly heard from any of my friends."

4. "I already knew who they were."

5. "A majority of our friends have stood by me and helped in ways both great and small."

6. "already knew."

7. "My ex chased away a lot of my friends, so when it happened, I was out of contact with many of them."

8. "I learn that the Relief Society would ignore my children just punish me based on lies."

9. "Shocked at how many ward members believed the false alligations of my x wife and her family."

10. "did grow closer to my mother."

11. "I've always known who my true friends were. The divorce process only reinforced what I already felt."

12. "Very few true friends."

13. "I was very surprised how little help I got from church and especially family."

14. "I did not feel like I owned my friends some struggled but some didn't but all in all they were all pretty good."

15. "God is always a true friend."

16. "I didn't sense much change in friends."

17. "It has been starkly obvious."

18. "defintiely wasn't church members to my shock."

19. "I ALREADY KNEW."   .........and more.........

Friends can make any situation better, or worse by their abandonment.....

42. How could your family have served you better while you were going through this trial? 

1. Regular phone calls, texts, emails to check on you......................40%

2. Lunch/dinner/activities...time spent with you...............................20%

3. Come to court with you and "hold your hand".............................4.8%

4. Send notes, meals, etc...................................................................3.2%

5. A listening ear..............................................................................36%

6. Other...........................................................................................51.2%

COMMENTS:

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:        "They were great!"

"My family was great." "They were fine." "My family was great. They listened, they called, they are very supportive of me." "they did great." "They did all these things. They were perfectly supportive." "My family was very supportive - I wouldn't change anything." "They were amazingly supportive." "My family (brothers) were very supportive. They were all great." "They were fantastic and helpful. They keep me sane." "very pleased with the support I received." "Those whom I feel close to in my family were as "there for me" as they could be. I couldn't ask for more, even if they couldn't physically help much." "They were always there." "Family was good." "they couldn't have done any more, they were fantastic." "I think I got the right amount of support from family." "They've mostly been pretty helpful, once they could accept the facts." "My family was great-- particularly a brother who had divorced." ......and more...........

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "I don't have family" 

"close family were either dead or in other states." "My family are not members and live in another state." "almost all of my family have passed away...I am on a Island all to myself when it comes to family... I'm really alone." "had been closer at that time I was living over 1000 miles away." "I really don't have a relationship with my family." "My family are not members." "I have no family around." ............and more...............

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "I should have leaned on them more"

"they were pretty good it was I who could or should have asked for more help but didn't." "I think any would have tried to help, but I mainly kept to myself about it except for parents, close friends and bishops." "They didn't know what to do, I guess they were probably waiting for me to ask for help." "I pulled inward, I should have let them help me." "Looking back, I should have leaned on them more." "it would have helped me get through if I could have let myself lean on them." 

..........and more.............

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "They could have shown more interest"

"Encourage reconciliation, rather than helping Satan divide and separate." "my extended family are NOT church members so no big deal to them." "It'd would have been helpful if they were more keyed into picking up clues that something was wrong...and tried to contact me about it." "Could have been more honest with me before, during and after my marriage." "just trying to understand." "Just by being more present and interested." "They did not understand how hard it is to go through the breaking up of my family and were too busy with their own lives." ............and more...........

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "I didn't involve them" 

"It is not their responsibility to fix me," "They live too far away to help much and have their own issues." "my family is very anti church so they was sorta happy." "They've been through enough, I kept less people out of it which is better." "Nothing they could do." "I didn't want to talk to anyone in my family but ended up talking to anyone who would listen." "It was me that could have done better, not them." "They were too judgmental, so I stayed away from them and dealt with it myself." "They had been fooled by her all along and could be of no help, so I kept them out of it." "I couldn't handle their drama too." ............and more............

RANDOM VALUABLE ANSWERS:         "I wish they had......."

"Helped with court costs." "Not gossiped about my divorce." "be friendly and not make me talk about it." "shown undrstanding and compassion." "Difficult question... many of my sisters-in-law turned against me as my ex had fed them lies over many years... some of whom still regard me as I have the plague. Its a private matter, and keeping gossip at a minimum required silence on my part and weathering the storm, but the adversary has a hey day isolating and destroying. I have a good friend who called today.. going through similar battles. His ex, was able to get him left out of confirming his son to the priesthood... used her father in laws clout as a high councilman to sneak in an ordination when the dad was not around. Bishop fell for it... these patterns need to stop, bishops need to learn about mental health issues and to hold members to be honest." "removed their blinding curse." "Set up a future dating pool!"............and more..........

When going through tough trials, it helps the minimize the craziness to be able to lean on friends and family. 

                                   

43. How could your friends and ward members have served you better while you were going through this trial? 

1. Phone calls, texts, emails, regular check ups...................................35.16%

2. Personal visits, lunch/dinner together, time spent together..............38.28%

3. A listening ear.................................................................................40.63%

4. Going with you to court, attorney meetings.........................................78%

5. Other................................................................................................43.75%

COMMENTS:

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:        "I don't need them to get through this."

"They could not have. I did not want anyone involved." "It is not their responsibility to fix me." "I didn't seek or need help."

"There was nothing I required that was not handled. I wouldn't have changed anything." "I dont think that ward members should get involved." "the majority of them would be unable to help as they have no experiences similar." "no one wanted to take sides, I understand." "left me the **** alone." "None of their business." "Nothing."

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:        "Encourage reconciliation"

"I begged the Bishop to counsel her against the divorce. He would not. Church counselors also recommended her divorce me against the Stake President's wishes. I was very dispointed that few if any members counseled my wife against leaving. Even the First Presidency issued a Temple cancellation against my will when I had kept my covenants.It was a very negative experience from which I still suffer spiritually, emotionally and financially." "Encourage reconciliation, rather than helping Satan divide and separate." "i think ward members could have been more active to influence her for good." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "Be true friends."

"I feel my friends (except one) pretty much abandoned me." "Love that God gives." "Oh, I dunno, maybe stuck up for me when it was apparent that I was being censured." "anything at all would have been nice." "Ward members could have helped by expressing some level of recognition that I surely was hurting." ""be friendly and not make me talk about it." "Try to treat me like I was human.""My new ward was great, several guys became close friends, especially thru basketball practices." ""For my fellow brethren of the Ward, a simple arm around my shoulder with a simple "how are you? I think about you often, if you need anything call me." Instead, I felt that most people avoided me as if they might catch the "divorce bug."

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "Not gossiped" 

"Not gossip about my divorce." "Allowing the courts to determine the truth of allegations and not judging based on rumor and smear campaign." "lose the listening ear. stay out of the divorce issue and let the couple work it out rather than hear half the story and pass judgement." "reserve judgement- 'In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'"

Gossip always gets back to the person being talked about. By then it is quite the story. 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "They were great"

"I did have some incredible friends I found during this process. They were there often when I needed them and didn't pry too hard." "they did great." "they were perfect as is." "My friends were all very supportive and encouraging." "nothing they were great." "I could not have asked for better support." "they bent over backwards, couldn't have asked for more." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:         "Other"

"babysitting." "Bishop had my Xwife and girls over for dinner multiple times, girls took this to mean he supported their mom only. They have no idea why we divorced." "there could have been home teachers, but I guess my home teacher was the Bishop." "Was left to my own means. My ex was over the top brought food and given emotional support and she was the abuser.. the victims were left to fend for themselves." "Stay in touch even after I had to move." "I could have used a little more support but I should have asked for more help I can't expect them to know what I was going through with out me saying something."   

Ward members and friends often don't know how to handle those going through divorce.

44. Did the final divorce settlement reflect the best interest, safety, financial stability of the children?

1. Yes....................................................................................58.59%

2. No.....................................................................................20.31%

3. Not applicable...................................................................21.09%

45. How could your bishop have served you better? 

COMMENTS: 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "Showed support by........"

"Said hello." "Less bias toward women. Woman are just as evil and selfish, if not MORE so, than men. LDS Church leaders and members are out of touch with the reality of how powerful the influence is that Satan has over women to destroy innocent little children families and to weaponize children used as a tool of punishment in divorce." "Having compassion." "He could have been more involved... He was so clearly out of his element/comfort zone... Too bad, as he lived just down the street and drove by multiple times a day." "I felt he did not want to hear what I had to say because we met one time and it was brief. He never followed up with me after initial visit." "Be much more forgiving on repentance issues." "Called. Talked to me. Offered ways to stay in the church. After my divorce they still know nothing about how to help a divorced member of the church." "More proactive by pulling me in for check ups rather than relying on me to set up those appointments." "Somehow been more in tune, prayerful about us....if he had discreetly called me in for an interview to find out how things were...offer counseling, call her in separately to hear her side..." "Being there for me." "Not treat me like a leper." "He could have called me occasionally." "actually listened to both sides of the story and looked at the evidence, rather than the lies of my ex." "by being firm." "My Bishop barely acknowledged me when I told him my wife left and was not coming back." "More involvement with us as a couple." "He remained very aloof during the whole process - I would have appreciated some direct emotional and spiritual support." "Make the stake president see me to finish my recommend." "Honesty, integrity, Joint assistance." "Just stayed neutral. I must be honest and admit that I expected his support because I was active, had calling and my wife had new "girlfriend". He gave her more support and backing then me to keep her active and keep her very large family all in our ward happy. He told me that he knew I have strong testimony and he needed to support her. When I bring up her girlfriend, he says he just doesn't know what to do." "might have followed up; could have used more discretion." "Been there ...took a interest in me...It was like I was dropped off at the corner and was told you're on your own kid...good luck and they vanished." "He could have believed me, that abuse was taking place, and ordered my ex to account for her lies. He would not watch or listen to audio and video files of alleged abuse of me and the children.. this allowed her time to continue her trappings and to make life difficult. Had several bishops who all faltered. One found us a therapist after my pleadings, he convinced me not to involve police and not to have my wife sent to jail one night. I wish I would not have headed his advice as it would have helped her get help if she had a police record. One bishop kept calling us in to visit, he enabled patterns of abuse... I told him to stop wasting his compassionate time on us as we needed professional help.. he tried too hard, and had he told my ex to pull up her big girl panties and to comply with the law, and to get treatment, things might have been different with the outcome, but he was sucked into her stories... a lie told often enough is often taken as truth.. this is what happened to very sound men.. now, they see me as full time dad, and pretty much leave me to myself.. no one has come up to me and offered support, its been 5 years, many lonely times, many financially devoid times.. .37 cents in a bank account several years ago, no heat in my house, no oil for cooking, lots of tortillas and ramens.. while my ex wife was eating from the Bishops Storehouse." "He could have done more to help after I was forced out of the home by a fraudulently obtained protective order." "I don't recall my bishop even recognizing that the divorce was taking place. Appropriate counseling with my spouse would make me feel better, but likely not changed things. Some support... or at least acknowledgement... would have helped. His attitude seemed to be 'whatever,'" "He did his best, after the split to take care of my ex. I would have liked a bit more help before everything went south." "He could have been intellectually, ethically and spiritually honest, could have shown interest in the kids and me, could have allowed me to continue to serve, could have opted to not run smack on me, could have made at least a fraction of the effort to be involved in the kids and my situation as he did towards my ex." "Discernment. D&C 10:37." "Seriously anything at all would have helped." "could have been inspired to recognize her lies and then help me out. Even after he realized he was wrong there was no apology or help." "By not taking sides publicly or privately. By not condoning the 'no fault' divorce." "My ex-wife is very persuasive, he could have at least tried to hear both sides." "PROVIDE SOME KIND OF SUPPORT GROUP." "

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "He did all he could"

"He did all he could!!" "Could not have helped better, he was great." "My Bishop could not have served me better. Again, he made certain I received both my Patriarchal Blessing AND Endowment. He listened to me, counseled me and hired me as, at the time, his only full time/salaried employee. I am in my 5th year of employment and he treats me like gold." "Nope. He did his best." "He was okay with his response." "He did what he needed and I wouldn't change anything." "I feel he gave me good counsel the day I informed him of my divorce being final, and I do not fault him for anything. I felt as though he was the only person in my ward who cared about me or even knew who I was." "My bishop was awesome. I don't think there is anything he could have done to serve me better than he did." "He did great !" "He did his best." "He was great and very comforting." "He was very good. Supportive and checked on me and my kids all the time." "He did more than expected." "My Bishop was the ONLY one who helped me through this ordeal." "He was great when I asked for help but I probably did not ask for enough support." "My Bishop served me very well." "He was the best help (besides my home teacher)," "I think my bishops were supportive as they listened to me and don't know what else they could have done outside of the counsel they gave since individual agency is involved." "Our previous Bishop was there to help wherever he could. It was all done and finished before I knew, nothing more he could do." "He did great." "He was amazing," 

THE FATHER OF THE WARD

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "He could have counseled us to......" 

"He could have counseled against a frivolous and unnecessary divorce." "He should have told her to get rid of EVERYTHING that was coming between us." "Got more involved when he heard we were struggling. I didn't want to push her so I allowed her to choose how it was handled. But if this really was meant to be or as God knew it would perhaps he was inspired not to." "Not been so one sided...encouraged reconciliation rather than pushing for divorce. I don't think he knew what to do." "Could have been more "firm" with my ex on the consequences of the divorce." "Tried to talk her out of the divorce, but he said he couldn't really offer any advice. Must be a legal stance the church takes now." "he was a Psychologist, Marriage coun. He made every effort to listen to lies and did not try to help us stay together, just the opposite!" "He could have sent us to counseling, early on!!!!." "

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "I did not want his involvement" 

"He wasn't involved. It was my choice to leave him out of it." "I didn't ask for help" "I think he did alright but im not the kind of person who would want him to get involved." "HE HAD ENOUGH ON HIS PLATE, A LOT WAS GOING ON IN THE WARD AT THAT TIME SO I DID NOT INVOLVE HIM." "I have been in the bishopric before and know that they are limited in what they can do. I did not want to burden him." "I hoped to keep the ward out of the situation as much as possible." "I'm not as convincing as my wife, no matter what I said, he would take her side. So I did not even try." "He is a busy guy, I don't know what he could do to fix this many years of problems, or alter personalities or poor decisions."  

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "Other......."

"I truley feel sorry for the man. He is still in over his head. He has lied to the stake leadership about his and his wife's actions. Even though I have followed his counsel he was hostile and only saw things through his eyes. Empathy or understanding are devoid in this mans' character. Even my LDS therapist after a lengthy conversation with him related that she had little hope of me being able to work with him due to his attitude." "Had church court on her." "Replace relief society leadership." "By holding a court for my wife, she admitted to having a affair with a married man but because her family sorta hold status in that ward he was of the opinion he didnt want to get involved in a personal matter and left it at that." "I was disappointed in how little my thoughts, problems, and trials mattered within the context of my marriage relationship once my es told our Bishop she was out. It was like talking to a brick wall trying to coordinate anything regarding her court or our family/custody issues. I was told basically, "Your marriage means nothing now that she's thrown it away." "Did not care to involve him. Current Bishop supports the current relationship because my ex-wife refuses to go to church since I have remarried a member in the same ward." " Did not talk to them nor did they ask to talk to me." "OUR BISHOP AND ONE OF HIS COUNSELORS VISITED US AT OUR HOME & SAID HE'D HEARD WE WERE GETTING DIVORCED. HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND TOLD US THAT IF WE NEEDED ANYTHING TO LET HIM KNOW. THAT WAS IT." " 

46. How could your ward leaders have served you better, including your Home Teachers, Elders or High Priest's Quorums? 

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                           "Fellowshipping/Support" 

"I am alone at home. Only when people need me to help do they contact me." "They offered to help, but I did not accept. They still offer." "Home Teaching visits, invite to activities / hang out." "prayers," "said hello," "Visited more." "Not many if any know how to work with older people who get divorced... Since the Church is so family oriented, there really is no information or experience on how to deal with us, except from us, and no one is asking us to talk/relate with others about this..." "Sent home teachers regularly." "Visit." "Extend an invitation to talk in person one-on-one privately and just tell me that even though it sucks right now you are still part of this ward, we will look after your kids when your not here. Still keep me in the loop with regards to children's ward activities," "Kept me busier," "They could have shown up...," "they all backed away and I got no support from them," "Any show of support would be helpful. No home teachers or anything offered help while I'm trying to fix up and pack up a whole house that was left in a mess when the ex and kids moved out leaving almost everything." "How does no one ever remember my name or that I'm a ward member?" "Home teachers were not very involved." "People going through divorce need solid Home Teachers who visit regularly. And I would add, the HTs need to be consistent not changing every month. I got tired of telling each new set of HTs what was going on. This might have been one reason I pulled away from the church for a time." "More interest in our well being." "They were not inormed on my end." "visits," "I don't know that they could have - aside from being spiritually in tune enough to detect that something was wrong." "Been there for me," "They could have let me know that they knew I existed. I feel I slipped between the cracks because nobody even attempted to contact me or fellowship me after my divorce." "Been there for me," "They all disappeared." "Introduced themselves. Offer to sit with me in church." "

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                  "Counseled...."

"They could have counseled against a frivolous and unnecessary divorce." "Elders Quorum pres was spot on. Unfortunately, it wasn't the something the ex was going to listen to." "Training," "I wish there was some kind of support group for those of us in the ward/stake who are going through or have gone through divorce. It is very lonely." "It would help to have someone who can give counsel on how to get through a divorce with the least amount of damage to the family." "Is there really no training or support materials or persons for those wading through divorce?" "It would have helped to have been given strong and wise Home Teachers that would stay with us through the whole ordeal and give extra support where needed." 

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                  "Not Judge"

"Less bias toward women. Woman are just as evil and selfish, if not MORE so, than men. LDS Church leaders and members are out of touch with the reality of how powerful the influence is that Satan has over women to destroy innocent little children families and to weaponize children used as a tool of punishment in divorce." "Less judgmental. More Christlike," "Under the volitility of the situation they did the best they could. Home teachers should be aware before blessing the children that if the father is worthy then he should be the one giving them a blessing. Except in cases of emergency of course." " by not taking sides." "When leaders would ask for information, it was usually to gossip instead of to support and guide." "They can never have all of the information, so they just need to be supportive to both sides."   

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                               "Leave things alone" 

"left me alone," "Stay out of the way," "They couldn't. It really should not be any of their business. This is a personal thing." "If they can't be helpful, and only make things worse, just stay away and not pretend to care." "Don't make things worse than they already are." "Let me have some time to get through this," " Don't do anything if you are just going to treat me like I have the plague" "There is not a lot they can do but smile, give a hug, some encouragement, and then keep us in their prayers while we get through it as best we can." 

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                "They were great"

"They did the best they could," "they did great," "I wouldn't change anything." "My leaders and home teachers did an excellent job. I am very thankful for my Ward Family." "They did well," "They asked me what I needed....less callings, or more....less visits or more.....and they respected that and followed through. Everyone needs differently, so just ask and find out what is the best way to show support, and then do it." "They rallied around me and my family, It helped a LOT!" 

Dear Henry, Just a note to let you know you are in our prayers. 

47. What methods did you use for surviving the divorce?

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "I clung to the Gospel"   

"The Lord and following his commandments and precepts." "faith, trust in God!!!!" "Attend church regularly," "scripture reading, fasting, prayer, pondering, uplifting music, etc." "Temple. Went monthly until I felt like Heavenly Father was not there anymore." "The "Bishop's 5." Daily prayer, Scripture study, Regular Church Attendance, Pay full Tithe and Fast Offering, Go to the Temple." "Lots of prayer," "prayer, fasting," "I studied and prayed a lot." "Prayer," "Lots of prayer, temple attendance," "I pray, read scriptures," "I read the scriptures more to try to fill in the time," "Prayer, temple attendance," "Prayer! It saved my life!!!" "stay strong in the Church, attend the temple at least weekly," "Prayer, contemplation," "I prayed a lot, and just went on with my life working at lot, but it still took me years to get over it." "Prayer, lots of prayer," "gospel teachings," "Prayer, put former wife's name in Temple." "Living within means, staying close to gospel." "Same I use at any other time; prayer, introspection, seeking out wisdom from people I trust." "prayer and a lot of personal reflection" "getting out to church and church social events." "My testimony." "Cried alot, prayed a lot," "GOD," "volunteering at the Temple." "I stuck to the church and did my best at getting by each new day." "maintained againts all odds. I did all tht I should have done, it was not me that made the wrong choice to break the Cov." "gospel," "temple," "prayer, patience."

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "New Relationships/'Single's Programs"   

"Found a girl friend," "Internet dating." "Met some new friends. Ones I could trust that wouldn't take sides. Not even mine. I don't think that ever helps you to be honest." "I moved far away to a place I knew no one. I got new friends and built my own support," "With out the Facebook groups I have been involved in I would not be active in the church. I know no one in my stake." "Friends," "dated," "flirting on dating sites (after divorce)," "try to make good friends with good values." "Other active single friends and staying busy with them." "Immediately started dating," "I also made some new friends." "Stay active in social settings," "Getting out in public settings with other singles," "I became an active dater, especially online, they became the listening ear that I did not have anywhere else except from my Bishop," "Developed a support network of singles," "institute,"

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "Clung to old relationships, friends/family"

"Family, friends, exercise, " "Shared what I was going through." "Good council especially from other divorced people," "Friends," "I had to seek out hobbies with friends to 'escape' the reality of my life at the time. These escapes were much needed reprieves from the stress and constant thoughts of failure." "talking with friends/family." "family activities." "closer relationship with my mother," "Going out with friends," " visit family after I told them what happened." "Support of friends and family was the best. " "talking to my close friends, kept busy," "seeking out wisdom from people I trust." "One breath at a time...and talk to my mother lots." "Friends and Family," "Friendships." "I was living in the midwest at the time of the divorce. I moved back to Utah where I had nearby family for support." "friends , family, random church members in various states," "When not depressed, visited with friends, stayed busy and served others." "Party with friends,"

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "I drowned myself in my work" 

"Just putting more time and effort into work and serving others." "Worked," "got a 2nd job to occupy myself." "kept busy/service" "hard work," "just went on with my life working at lot." "busied myself with work," "i kept busy and let time heal," "Worked and ignored it." "Finishing school, concentrating on work," "Focused on the kids and work, still doing that." "I was too busy working and raising my kids to think about it" "Worked harder and lots of emotional pain to deal with," "Work..." "I continued to wake up, go to work, work out, eat cereal....." "

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:             "Exercise/recreational activities"

"I started going to a gym, and other hobbies." "I played basketball," "Worked at a hobby during a 2 year separation." "tried exercise and fitness," "Exercise. Going to gym daily." " focus on health, exercise," "I started running again, working out,"

"Exercise and weight loss," "exercise," "exercise more to help fill more of my time." "work out," "Dancing," "I continued to wake up,  work out....." "Physical activity," "Bike riding, exercising," "Long distance running," 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:   "Started developing new hobbies/past-times/projects/goals"  

"other hobbies." "Hobby," "books, internet," "worked on my house once I moved back in," "I wrote a list of things I wanted to improve in myself and worked towards achieving those things." "I had to seek out hobbies with friends to "escape" the reality of my life at the time. These escapes were much needed reprieves from the stress and constant thoughts of failure." "Read books or went online to obtain any information on the topic." "time on internet studying current events," "Went back to school," "played video games," "busied myself with hobbies," "stayed busy," "I Went back to school," "

Lot's of fishing, playing in a rock band and playing pool!"

Divorce is one of the toughest trials for children. They will need extra love and assurance. 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:               "Put my focus on the kids" 

"I took care of my girls," "focus on kids." "spent every minute I could with my child." "Did my best to be a good father." "Focus on my kids on the days they were with me and on improving myself when they weren't." "Focused on building stability and happiness for my children," "spending time with kids," "being a good father and getting on with my life." "busied myself with raising the kids," "I spent a lot of time with my kids, but I already was doing that before the divorce, but now they became the listening ear that I did not have anywhere else except from my Bishop." "Focused on the kids and work, still doing that." "

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                "The unsuccessful approach"

"Dated a ton....but it didn't solve anything. I needed to face my problems and go through the process." "Illegal drugs." "fell back into despair after first attempt at dating post-divorce." "do you want an honest answer?....drink and lots of it." "I mostly just stayed in bed and slept a lot." "Denial, thinking she'd come back," "Alcohol," "Not very successful. I became and still am depressed." "Quiet tolerance of my wife's screaming at me, avoiding the situation, and alcohol."

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "A change in perspective"

"I adopted a non-caring attitude." "Just move on." "I''m STILL trying to survive this RIDICULOUSLY CRAZY singles life!!" "I analyzed all the emotions I felt and determined which, if any, were 'guilt'. Any 'misdeeds' I apologized for. The rest is just the mourning of loss, loss of future dreams, etc." "I had to take a good look at myself and figure out how I had contributed to this marriage failure, and start doing things differently if I wanted a lasting relationship next time." "I started reading a lot of books to bring me to a higher place," "I guess I had taken the things that were most important to me for granted, so I tried to fix it, but it was too late. Next time I will do better." "I made a list of what I hoped for in my life the next time around. I saw this as a new beginning and wanted to map out a better approach this time around." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                    "Counseling"

"therapy," "Professional help for 9 months," "therapy," "Honesty with myself. counseling. taking the time to heal rather than jumping back into a relationship." "a good councilor helped." "Seeing a professional counselor." "professional counseling," "counseling," "one day at a time, counseling," "Counseling," "counseling was a must," "Professional counseling was a must." "family counselor" "SEEING A THERAPIST," "Counseling saved my life." 

A MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      "Other"

"Sit on the front row, center, so I will not be in any family's spot, and will not have to be made sad by seeing all the families come in and sit together..." "letting go of past, forgiveness," "just general coping." "playing with my sister's cats, helping out my parents. I made a conscious decision the month after we separated, that I will NOT be one of those people, still bitter at their ex-spouse 10-20 years later...that has made all the difference. My ex and I have a working friendship now - or at least can deal with each other on friendly terms...I have accepted responsibility for my failings, and she has for hers (though she still doesn't see just how badly her issues affected me and damaged or marriage)" "just survived day to day," "I just dealt with it a day at a time until it was final," "One day at a time. Do not buy anything we did not need. Eat out rarely and dollar menu. Go to Salvation army or other charity for school clothes and Christmas presents," "lots of ice cream and movies," "try not to stay home alone." "just agreed to the Divorce and didnt fight it once I realized it was truly over," "A day at a time.." "one minute, one hour, one day--at a time," "I continued to wake up, go to work, work out, eat cereal....." "SAVING MONEY,  SPOKE TO MY BISHOP, JUST LET IT HURT AND SUFFER THROUGH IT TO THE END," "WORKED THROUGH IT TO THE END," "Music." "lots of loud music on the commute," "Listen to lots of motivational CD's. Tried to apply them but with reservations."

DIVORCE IS ONE OF THE MOST MADDENING OF LIFE'S EXPERIENCES

                               

48. What methods did you use for starting over and recovery?

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                              "The Gospel of Jesus Christ"

"Prayer. The Atonement" "prayer's" "No starting over. Simply enduring in faithfulness (as planned before she demanded divorce)." "Im not "starting over" I am still going forward in faith that he will make it as it should be," "Prayer, much Faith, Fasting, reading in the Scriptures, and Conference Talks, other books from the Church.." "tried coming back to church." "The "Bishop's 5." Daily prayer, Scripture study, Regular Church Attendance, Pay full Tithe and Fast Offering, Go to the Temple." "Prayer" "Still studying and praying." "Having more patience with myself, Keeping the faith" "/repentance process." "Prayer" "Still working on that. I did the LDS Church's 12 step program for addiction recovery (didn't have problems at the time, but wanted to build a bulwark against further temptation)." "I went to the bishop and expressed an interest in becoming active again. All the seminary/primary answers: read scriptures daily, pray daily, go to church, fast, pay tithing, attend the temple, read church magazines, do service, etc." "Prayer!" "prayer and encouraging kids to stay active," "self reliance, gospel teachings," "Forgive them & me," "I tried to do all God wanted or what I thought he wanted me to do, in the end it didn't really make a difference. I had to really just pull myself it by my boot straps and do the best I could." "Church and friends," "I wake up and when it gets really bad I must get some kind of spiritual support," "prayer," "Got sober Repentance," "Repentance prayer, scripture study lots of help from new stake pres, regaining my testimony. Forgiveness." "I was helped and expedited through the recovery (and, indeed, was prepared for it) by hands not belonging to this world." "gospel," "The main thing I did was cling to the gospel with all my might, which is hard when the ward family turns against you. No matter who is at fault, it's like walking around with a big letter 'D' on your forehead, which interprets as 'contagious predator'" 

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                               "Church Single's Activities"

"" "Still feel a little stuck. recently started going to LDS Mid single activities," "I jumped in to the church mid singles program. And immediately found support and friendship" "I got in involved with the Mid Singles group. Don't feel so alone knowing there are others like me out there." "mid-singles groups," "Work hard and start attending singles activities and singles ward a year after the divorce was finalized." "singles group, " "Testimony, going to LDS singles events." "Going to single activities, and new friends," "Dating and dances and FHE w singles." "Singles functions." "The Single's programs in the church saved me. I did not feel wanted in my family ward. These new friends understood without explanation, and were a great support from then on." "I maintain faith that the Lord will help me find a suitable mate. My move back to Utah, at least in part, was because of the number of single LDS women my age in the area. While I'm disappointed with the 'singles scene' in Utah, I recognize it's much better than I would find elsewhere." "dating and socials." "I was not very successful at this. I did continue to work, barely. And I did continue to be active in Church, which was important and helpful." "" "dating, joined singles ward, made friends," "KEPT BUSY WITH SINGLE'S ACTIVITIES." "I don't know what I would have done without the Single's Ward and activities, maybe gone inactive? My family ward become too toxic toward me." "The Single's Programs were my salvation." 

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                               "Attention to Self/Career Improvement"

"Forced myself to overcome shyness, and looked for ways to improve myself." "I went back to school to build a new career and future path," "Trying to find a new professional direction, so that I can be confident in my role as a man and ability to provide, so that a good woman will see I can provide," "my divorce coincided with the start of a new career in my chosen field - it was a time of tremendous rebirth for me - this combination of circumstances is very unusual and probably doesn't translate out to the typical divorce survivor," "Kept applying online for better jobs. And tell children no to extra spending but occasionally do something special like for birthdays." "not allowing her to walk all over me like she had all through our marriage." "Went back to school." "work hard," "Worked and ignored it." "Focus on work." "Got my finances in order and set personal goals," "tried to be financially successful to show that she made a mistake," "Listen to lots of motivational CD's. I found it difficult to receive counsel from people." "began to follow the educational journey I quit when I married her," "Reading books on forgiveness, improvement, divorce, personality types, communication." "Changed occupation, rebuilt my house, started back to college." "

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                             "Counseling and Education on coping" 

"I'm in many online groups and I have been able to get information and ideas for coping." "counseling...time .....thought....prayer" "Counseling with a professional counselor," "9 months of counseling and reading 42 books on the subject" "I did get some general counseling at LDS services. It was helpful." "Counseling." "Counseling, reading," "I went to see a counselor and really worked on some issues there were bothering me." "talked with a friend who is a psychologist and keeping busy," "See a professional counselor." "professional counseling, prayer and a lot of personal reflection," "Counseling," "I had no one to talk through this stuff with, so I paid a professional to listen to me. It helped just to talk. He had some good insights as well." "I set goals for myself, I don't want to make the same mistakes the second time around. I got lots of books on coping techniques, and took classes." 

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                "Dating"

"Internet dating." "Dating, activities, still recovering sometimes." "It's called dating..." "dated" "dating," "jumped right into another marriage," "Tried a bit of online dating," "dating," "dating and socials," "I waited almost two years after my 17 year temple marriage to start dating again." "STARTED DATING RIGHT OFF." "I started dating through the internet, LDS Facebook groups, and Single's activities and ward." "I am in an area where there are no Single's Wards for my age, so dating has been hard." "started dating after a while, though I'm very awkward at it at this age. I didn't like it as a teen and I don't like it now, being considered an introvert."  "Dated a ton!"  

SIXTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                             "Relationships-new/old/family/children/friends" 

"Family, friends," "Friends" "Did my best to be a good father." " talked to friend" "Active friends to just have fun." "I had to for my kids," "Just a case of moving on and getting out of the home socializing." "Stay active in social settings," "making new friends and making sure that I'm not staying alone." "socialize," "enjoyed my kids," "moved back home to be closer to family," "clinging to my kids," "Focus on the kids and work." "friends," "

SEVENTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                              "Hobbies/Exercise/Recreational Activities"

"exercise," "Hobby" "Just keeping myself preoccupied with activities." " exercise," "sports." "kept busy," "Working out, taking up new hobbies," "kept busy/service" "Kept myself busy doing other tasks," "I feel like I am in high school again, so I am doing what I did then, recreational activities with friends." "Daily exercise, trying to get into shape." "Got back into my music again." "Started to write like I've always wanted to do"  "joined a local sports team."

EIGHTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                                 "Other" 

"Started standing up against ex's abuse and manipulation." "I moved 13 hours away" "Not sure, I am still a work in progress in this regard. At the moment, (1.5 years since divorce was finalized) I am beginning to feel the need to start over however I am paralyzed with fear which is something I am working to move past." "I also do not give my ex attention unless it is strictly dealing with the children."  "working hard to not be a rescuer to troubled women." "It's still too recent. Maybe you should ask me again in a few months." "Just keep on going." "I moved, bought my own home (first one). I haven't really used any methods or done anything to work through my feelings. My family/friends say "just get over it and move on" but they don't understand the hurt and resentment I felt and often still feel almost 3 years later (both toward myself and my ex)" "less trust of women" "Time," "Moved back to North Carolina," "A day at a time," "One day of survival at a time...never was able to sit in a state of depression. Too many were counting on me." "just moved on," "time will tell," "I withdrew from everyone because people aren't very trustworthy." "I took my time." "Declare bankruptcy," "Move on," "No god," "Just starting," "Rebuild." "GO ON WITH LIFE, DO THINGS I ALWAYS WANTED TO," "Drink and drugs." 

49. What advice would you give to someone facing divorce? 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:            "Make sure you have done everything you can to save the marriage first"

 Make sure you have done all that you can to make the marriage work." "Think and pray about it a LOT." "Do all they can to avoid it." "Do everything in your power to prevent it. Especially if children are involved." "Try work it out, if not put kids first" "Try to work it out....not once but 100 times try to work it out." "Exhaust every opportunity or possibility to reconcile the hurt. Go to couples therapy, even if it is only so that you both can learn what went wrong so you don't take it forward into your next relationship. Remember that even though you might hate each other right now, part of you will always love each other. Honor that, it is called humanity." " If possible, if not too late seek marriage counseling." "Make absolutely sure thats what they really want. Perhaps giving it more thought. Unless theres a lot of abuse and safety for the spouse and the children if applicable need to be some place safe. Depends on the situation." "If there is even a slightly possibility of not going through with divorce then turn around and work it out. If no other option is available then do what is takes to maintain peace for yourself and do what's best for the children." "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "Self awareness and preparedness" 

"Self analysis only goes so far. You cannot see what or how others see you. Ask." "Get to know more about you. You cannot force your comments and opinions on your spouse, they have their own Agency." "read divorce books, church website." "Take the time to figure out what your contribution was to the problem, then fix it in yourself so that it is not repeated." "There are lots of good books out there on marital relationships. Us guys need to read these more and take them seriously." "Ask the people closest to you what you need to be working on." 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                "Postpone getting involved"

"Don't get involved with anyone for a year or longer after the divorce is final," "I got involved in Singles's activities but didn't date for a year or so, we make irrational decisions based on vulnerable needs right after the divorce." "I didn't date for a few years after. It took that long to find myself on me feet again." "Be patient with your healing time. Don't rush into relationships too soon before you figure things out." "Wait at least a year before getting involved" "Make lots of friends, but don't date for a while." 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "Mediation vs. Court"

"Try to resolve it on your own. Settle if at all possible (mine went to trial and financially wiped us both out). Do what is best for your family." "Be prepared. .document...be willing to compromise anything but the safety and needs of the children. .and try to resolve the division yourself without state interference." "get it done quick," "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                 "Protect yourself"

"Do anything you can to not give any ammo to the other person to use against you." ""Get a good atty." "Be prepared. .document...be willing to compromise anything but the safety and needs of the children. .and try to resolve yourself without state interference." "You need to have good legal representation, so it will be a fair settlement," "Make sure your divorce decree is very detailed, that your children come first in the decree and you make it all 50/50 and no child support (basically as few expectations from the other spouse as possible)." "Plan future (budget, activities, career, education, etc.)," "Focus on yourself. Improve yourself. Focus on your kids." "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                   "Build a Support Team"

"Find a couple good friends/family that you can call at the low points,"  " Get involved with the Mid-singles. Make friends who know what you're dealing with." "Maintain your friendships. Your friends will be your stability until you learn to fly on your own again." "surround yourself with good friends and family." "You've got to have those you can lean on during this hard time. And lean on them. Show gratitude for their support often. You will need them now more than ever." "surround yourself with your best peeps." "Hopefully you have been nurishing your relationships and have loved ones you can lean on now." "If you don't have friends, now is the time to make some. If you don't have anyone to talk to you will go bust!"            

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:               "Cling to the Gospel" 

"prayer!!" "you need to have (hopefully), some support from the Church because it is so lacking, and if you can actually get support from the Church, you might get through this without crying for months at a time..." "Pray, Study talks about divorce from General Authorities especially Apostles but all of this is moot if spouse is not willing to try and work on marriage." "Be humble....submit your will to Heavenly Father's Will, love, mercy and grace as early and often as possible. Remain active in the Church. As my Bishop would always say "stay in the boat!" "Pray pray pray," "Pray, and hope it is enough." "To stay close to the church and not to be easily offended by those that have no idea what you are going through." "Be active every day with Personal Prayer and Scripture reading, it doesn't have to be elaborate a single verse a day is good enough and progress from there." "Use lots of prayer and always do what is truly best for the kids rather than what you want (don't let selfishness drive your actions)." "Be respectful and pray a lot," "

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:              "Hang in there, this too shall pass" 

"Take it a day at a time.Its not the end of the world. Life goes on," "Keep yourself busy in the service of others. Know that with time, and seeing God's hand in your dilemma, you'll get through this." "Take a deep breath, tomorrow is a new day and to expect and embrace change." "Take life one day at a time." "It may not seem like it right now, but it will pass, and it will get better. tomorrow will be better, I promise."

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                              "Get Counseling" 

"Get into counseling." "If it is too late, see personal counseling through the process." "Counseling is invaluable. Find a good one that you feel comfortable with. Most people don't want to listen to this stuff and may give bad advice. It helps ground you during and after." "Go to a counselor, a must do." "Counseling helped me tons." "If you can, get a competent family therapist/counselor. They are worth their weight in gold." "I am not ashamed that I had to pay someone to listen to me. It helped." 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                           "Other"          

"Read Abraham 4:11-12 and realize that Telestial "seeds" CAN ONLY bring forth Telestial "fruit". Try to understand that unfaithful women MUST be unfaithful, it's their eternal destiny." "If you're sure you want to do it don't hesitate to do so," "not sure i am the best person to give advice. it is a horrible thing to go through and the church structure/goals/curriculum are not conducive to anything but the perfect LDS marriage family unit. The people are good, and they try, but they don't really understand. Its even harder for the kids to fit in." "Try to remain friendly with the ex, it will make life easier." "

50. Did you and your spouse get counseling during your marriage?

1. Yes, a lot..........................................................................................20.33%

2. Yes, a little........................................................................................45.53%

3. Through church resources...................................................................30.08%

4. Through private means.......................................................................23.58%

5. No, didn't think of it.............................................................................6.50%

6. No, she wouldn't try it.........................................................................19.51%

7. No, we couldn't afford it.......................................................................4.88%

8. No, I resisted it...................................................................................4.88%

COMMENTS:  

1. "She told me that I needed marriage counseling but she didn't." "She wasn't interested." "I had good her about the spousal support groups at the VA hospital about my illness but she never had the time or enthusiasm."

2. "Don't know if she did. She moves out and that was that."

3. "Reconciliation was not a word in her vocabulary ever.. No matter how often I pleaded with her to consider, during the separation.."

4. "Nope. It happened too fast."

5. "Off and on through beginning, then more towards end. she never liked what they said and stopped going." "a little during the marriage before things went south." 

6. "I set us up some couples counseling but she wouldn'tI resisted it for a long time. About 9 months before she filed for divorce I started going to counseling in the hope she would join me for marriage counseling. Today, I feel I called her bluff. I think she wanted marriage counseling so I would get counseling since she felt like I was all the problem."

7. "We did have some counseling but it was unrelated to the divorce and happened years before. I asked her to come to counseling with me when the divorce was imminent and she refused."

8. "I begged for 12 years for counseling, but by the time she finally agreed, it was much too late."

9. "I don't felt she took it seriously after a couple specific incidents."

10. "She gave up because she said that I was unable to meet her needs."

11. "I should have listened more carefully to her hints and sought out counseling. I didn't think I needed it, but looking back, it may have helped."

12. "Yes, but she ended up sleeping with him. :( "

13. "I would have to drag her there every appointment she went to. I went on my own 8 times because she would refuse at the last minute."

14. "she did request it, but I preferred for her to tell me what whe wanted counselling about, and her response is that she needed more money..."

15. "It was biased and one-sided, gender specific."

16. "privately i never thought about it>"

17. "Saw no point in it. I am who I am and I just did not love her anymore, so what was the point?"

18."This helped me identify her personality disorder and for me to see what freight train was coming. Yet 4 bishops had been involved over span of early 20 years and all had been duped. Therapist pointed out the disorder within three sessions, but then, the gangrene had set in and marriage was not salvageable."

19. "Through our bishop, but not professional (LDS Social Services)"

20. "She would only go for short spurts and then give up when a challenge came up."

21. "Our personalities clashed-She tried too much to wear the pants in the family as many LDS women do-And that is not their place!"

22. "Didn't help her at all," "Didn't help her at all"

23. "Spouse agreed to counseling, but did so half-heartedly; she made very little effort in that respect."

24. "One counselor she didn't want to see again because he agreed with me about something. I also had individual counseling. Not sure what is meant by a little or a lot, but I think we had a fair amount of counseling."

25. "She went to probably about 13 different councilors during the marriage, mostly for depression related issues and I went as often as occasion would permit for support and sometimes participated."

26. "She did but only for her, not for the relationship."

27. "No!"

ONE OF THE TOUGHEST CROSS-ROADS IN OUR LIFE

51. Looking back, do you regret getting a divorce and wish you could have worked it out?

1. Yes, I wish we hadn't done it, we should have worked it out........................37.60%

2. No, it was absolutely necessary...............................................................62.40%

52. What changes are you making in looking toward the next relationship (if any)?

FIRST MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                         "I need to work on myself first" 

 "I have definite things that are important to me and my eternal salvation. She must meet certain criteria. But most of all, I'm working on becoming a better person." "Even with disability you can do something. Just have to figure it out." "Make sure I act more like a real man and stand up against abuse. Marry someone who loves me back." "I have reviewed all my previous relationships and realized that they were all fundamentally the same person. I have thus, changed the profile of the kind of woman I am looking for." "Self examination and improving how I help around the house and not spending too much time on computer or TV." "Self- improvement." "Be completely morally clean myself; not base the relationship on sex or emotional need. Be emotionally/spiritually healthy myself. To know my real value as a man - before God and to family & friends. Trying to find a new professional direction, so that I can be confident in my role as a man and ability to provide, so that a good woman will see I can provide, and working hard to not be a rescuer to troubled women." "Using a very open and honest approach. Not that I lied before, but I'm making sure to openly admit my weaknesses and faults. Expecting the same in return. I think it's important to let the other person have as clear an idea as possible about what they're getting into, so they can judge for themselves if they think I'm worth the investment required, and vice versa." "muscle testing released trapped emotions," "A more realistic view on what a marriage is and who people are." "I will be absolutely honest and faithful to my next partner, and include the Lord in our relationships." "Trying to put my life in order and bring my children stability," "just an ongoing, life-long effort to be more kind and attentive," "staying healthy, making new friends," "Still trust Heavenly Father. I was afraid it may end up this way but HF ask me to go through with it. Its been hard but I love my children so much and where would they be if I were not the father," "Learned a lot about myself." "Not listening to society or those pressures, listening to my head and heart instead. Maintaining a balance between love and logic." "I will be more direct and blunt," "Take more responsibility for what I did/do wrong. She left me with for a woman but I was challenging at times. I needed to be more patient and will be in my next relationship." "finding compatibility and mental stability in a partner," "I have shaped into a better person," "I am working on being less stupid, listening to others more communicative and cooperative. I hope my current, 2nd wife and Sweetheart of 20 years now, notices." "I have made friends with single men and women. I attend singles functions with varying degrees of frequency (the 'single scene' can get depressing at times and I tend to back off now and again). I look for ways to make myself a better 'marriage prospect'." "honesty is the best policy," "I need to overcome addiction." "Open eyes, staying worthy and being totally honest." "I realized that I had been attracting different versions of the same girl and had to figure out why and take measures to alter that sad fact." "I will do ANYTHING to stay together and FIX the problems EARLY!" 

SECOND MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                        "I am looking for specific traits in her"

"Learning new things, open to learning, progressing." "She not being gay," "Find a spouse who is a church member and truly wants to live gospel principles," "Many. Outlook, emotional, expectations, etc." "Find someone with far more common interests," "I want a friend," "Finding someone who's personality is more compatible with mine." "I have more experience now, and perhaps I've changed what I want in a woman due to my divorce." "I will only date emotionally and mentally stable women. I look for someone who can work through problems WITH me and wants to be with me. I expect the same of myself." "I would want someone who is happy being themselves and wants to support me rather than tear me and my family down. I want someone who has kids and is willing to love kids unconditionally." "She has to be mostly sane." "I want an honest and faithful person." "Communication," "I'm going to avoid women who need to be saved, that are needy. I am going to make sure that she listens and understands my view and feelings and that I can understand her views and feelings so we both can make choices together for our marriage." "Someone spiritual, relatively happy and does not have mental issues." "Set healthy boundaries, be equally yoked, find someone who is emotionally healthy and mature and who will not only take from a relationship - one who will help me become my best self and for me to do likewise to she and her children." "Much more selective." "I know everything I do NOT want, and I'm zeroing in on what I DO want." "Very clear communication and being equally yolked in all matters (spiritual & temporal)." "willingness to work, ability to talk," "More in common.....same religion, same politics," "A loving woman," "I will only marry LDS,"  "I know what I will never put up with in a spouse." "Finding someone I can trust." "No mormons," "Not dating women with damaged personalities or whose nature is less than positive." 

THIRD MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:        "I will take seriously protecting myself & getting to know her really well"               

"Getting to know them well. Seriously weighing their past decisions and character." "I am taking my time, vetting as much as possible, asking for help from above in this process... Sometimes I dont think Im getting help from there.. So its challenging..." "looking for the red flags I should have noticed before. Discussing the things that are important to a relationship before getting married. The church does a HUGE disservice to the young adults by making sex a taboo subject, when it needs to be discussed before marriage." "My first marriage happened from a long distance relationship where we hardly knew each other. If I am blessed to find a beautiful daughter of god to take to the temple again I will make sure we know each other, that we truly understand what we are doing and that we are ready to walk that road together side by side." 

"More discussion about how things as will be as married couples about sex." "Taking the time to get to know others more fully beforehand or before going out." "Date longer," "Looking deeper than the surface of people, paying attention. taking my time to get to know them." "I will not marry someone with as much of a "past" as my RM ex had (but claimed to have left behind). She ended up going back and then some to every bad choice she ever made. My life is by no means spotless, but my desires are toward living a good and moral life and raising my kids to be the best people they can be. As I meet people I keep that in mind and will choose a spouse that shares those goals in a demonstrative manner." "ALREADY MARRIED, BUT I WAS MORE CAREFUL TO GET SOMEONE WHO KNEW HOW TO LOVE OTHERS INSTEAD OF JUST HERSELF," "Prenup! Second spouse was a scammer!" "Watch for red flags." "Understand narcotic behavior and red flags." "Prenup." "BE VERY CAREFUL." 

FOURTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                      "Things I will do better for her this time....."

"There are too many to list here...most important ones are to pay closer attention to her needs...do little things and help her to open up and talk things through. Invite her to pray, read Scriptures and regularly attend the Temple." "Self examination and improving how I help around the house and not spending too much time on computer or TV," "I will be absolutely honest and faithful to my next partner, and include the Lord in our relationships." "I know I have to have better communication throughout the marriage. My ex and I started well but didn't continue. Also, definitely have to have a temple worthy partner who is truly converted to the gospel. When we are both focusing on being Christ-like, I know it will help strengthen the marriage." "Being more compassionate and try not to fix their problem. Be more understanding and not take their words personally." "Be more tolerant." "Being more patient." "Never to take for granted that all is well, to ask more questions about haw I am doing to serve as head of household and if there's anything that I can do to improve the relationship." "Be loving and better," "When I am cold, I get her a coat. When I am hungry, I get her something to eat. I put her first in all things."  

FIFTH MOST FREQUENT ANSWER:                       "We both need to be right with God"

"we have to love our self enough to know, we must have God involved through out the relationship to make it back together with God, for time and all eternity!!!" "Staying active in the church. Keeping the gospel a priority." "My ex-wife and I got lazy with our personal and couples prayers and scripture reading. Today, I am trying to make my personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ along with personal prayer and scripture reading central to my daily life and routine and when I am ready look for someone who is doing the same." "I definitely have to have a temple worthy partner who is truly converted to the gospel. When we are both focusing on being Christ-like, I know it will help strengthen the marriage." 

MOST FREQUENT ANSWERS:                            "Other...." 

"Going on dates meeting people and gaining new friends." "i have a girl friend now in the church but i cant see it working, she is very dominating. I don't know how to change it," "I made those changes long before I divorced and I insisted on her doing the paperwork through intimidation because she did not want to divorce and wanted to work it out. I did not love her anymore." "None-I'm done with relationships." "Yes, Now I can choose what actions I want to live with. Now I have a set of standards different from my youth, I also feel I am worth loving." "I am glad my ex left... I would never have left and it was the worst situation I (or my children) could have been in. It has still been the worst thing to ever happen to me. I wish many times to have never met the person." "Of course I wish things would have worked out, but they didn't and so it was necessary to divorce. I think we are both good people but our personalities just didn't mesh all the time. I think we had some wonderful times as well. We just couldn't seem to work through the conflicts. It was my first marriage and her second and she already had three children whom I adopted. We married seven months after we met which was right after her divorce, so that was probably too soon for us in that situation (or maybe any situation). I attended a seminar put on by Utah State Extension called How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk or Jerkette because my biggest fear is being attracted to the same type of person. Not that the person is bad, but our personalities need to be a much better match for each other. My ex- wife and I can be good friends; we just had a hard time living together." "Run forest run," "Just looking for a gun," "Not looking for a third marriage. I'm 63 now." "Married an only child who's parents had/have a long happy marriage." "Not looking. Other than great friends'" "stay single and no LDS women."  

53. Do you honestly feel like you did everything you could do to save the marriage? 

1. yes........................................................................................................................................73.64%

2. no..........................................................................................................................................26.36%

54. Over all, which social groups in your life were the most supportive? In order. 

#1-FAMILY.......................................................48.06%

#2-FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF THE CHURCH...24.81%

#3-WARD LEADERSHIP................................15.50%

#4-HOME TEACHERS TEACHERS.................6.20%

#5-WARD MEMBERSHIP.................................5.43%

Family is the best support group to victims of divorce. 

55. ANY OTHER COMMENTS?

1. "The best time to avoid a divorce is to get help when the small things start to cause problems. I'm where I'm supposed to be now but I tried to fix the marriage too late in the process."

2. "Put God First. When going into marriage, leave nothing to question. Even the smallest may make a difference. But if it does, maybe the choice was not so great as you thought. But allow for problems. There will be problems!!!"

3. "I feel everyone did all they could to help me, but I rejected help. My attorney was my greatest advocate. She did exactly what was needed under the circumstances of my divorce. Yes, it was very expensive, but I gained extensive knowledge of family law along the way. I would recommend her and my ex's attorney to anyone in the future." 

4. "I have spoken to dozens if not hundreds of women and some men in the Church since my divorce. My feeling is that from what I was told...while there were some occasions when divorce was justified...most were not...in my opinion. I feel that too many women leave marriages for frivolous reasons destroying their families in the process. It has become too easy for them. Few Priesthood leaders will sternly counsel women as they do men about their responsibility to their husbands. It is assumed it is the man's fault when in many cases it is not. The Church Presidency will issue Temple Cancellations against the husband wishes when the husband was faithful. Most men are financially, emotionally and spiritually destroyed in the process. They are sometimes alienated and separated from their children whom they love and want to be with. They are often financially ruined and saddled with financial burdens that prevent them from being seriously considered by other women. They are sometimes in jeopardy of the law for not being able to meet court ordered payments. It is a wonder that as many men remain morally faithful in the Church as do. It would be much easier to engage in relationships that have no financial responsibilities to them. I struggle to remain active and faithful while searching for a new mate...but it is difficult."

5. "Thank you for doing this. No one wants to talk about this, no one wants to hear about it. It is important and needs to be heard. We have a voice, we are important too. I hope that this information can get into the hands of the church leaders." 

6. "Repeating, unfortunately, the Church is not set up for Divorces.. It's a Family Church... There is no paperwork, books, etc., that I have ever seen on this terrible tragic situation that a large and growing larger group of Church members find themselves thrust into.. Do NOT tell me about Singles Dances!!!! If you do, then it is obvious, you have never Chaperoned one or been involved with one... The Dances are only maybe ok for the youngest Singles that are not married in the first place... As people get older and get divorced, I promise you, they will NEVER go to any Singles Dance, as if there would ever be Dance created for their age group!!! As a Divorced, older man in the Church, I find myself totally "lost" from the Church.. No one is looking, no one is counting, no one knows how to talk to you, no one apparently really cares to get to know "that single guy who always sits on the front row every Sunday"... It is, what it is, and that is very, very sad... If it were not for my Testimony, I would have given up on the Church awhile ago after this happened to me.... I hope and pray that someone, please, SOMEONE, will read this and think about all the "invisible" single people out there in their own Ward, and perhaps find a way to bring them back into the family circle... Because they have been thrust out, and it is lonely outside... I love you guys and gals for doing this !!! Thank you for your time and efforts!"

7. "This survey slants the survey that it is the man who committed infidelities, moral transgressions. In my case, it was my ex wife who dated/slept with other men during our marriage and still continues to do so this day as card carrying temple recommend holder. It disgusts me that I feel the ostracized judgmental glares from members who don't even know the whole story about my ex-wife."

8. "My Bishop uses the phrase "with decision comes direction" an awful lot. Ponder this. Because all too often, we think that it is only our decisions that alter the direction in our life. Yet, when the one whom you love, decides she/he is not happy with themselves and/or whatever else is going on in their lives OR is attempting to use another's testimony as their own, we are not always in control of the decision making process. When this happens, and we must choose our direction due to another's decision, it is far easier to accept change and chart a new course when, after we have done EVERYTHING in our power to make things "work", we wholly submit ourselves to our Father's Will and the love and comfort or our Savior, Jesus Christ."

9. "They just don't get it."

10. "I wish there were more 'married' help class. Most classes are for after the boat is sinking, as an Engineer, I prefer to do preventative maintenance and handle before they become issues or thoughts of divorce."

11. "We were forced to be separated for 14 months due to the US immigration system. It was during that 14 months, to my best knowledge, that the affairs began. She cheated with at least four different men (all Hispanic like her) and had a baby and is still with the 4th guy."

12. "I hope the information you gather will help someone who really needs it. Good luck!"

Both the ex-husband and the ex-wife struggle financially after a divorce. 

13. "Some bishops/stakes make repentance too hard. I don't feel like I'm being forgiven. This would easily lead to people falling away from the church. They can blame the sin all they want, but when someone tries to humble themselves and is met with too much chastisement and degradement it is really sad. It will also affect the children. I feel my ex will be treated too harshly and that won't be good for our kids at all. My teenage son is already leaving the church because of that."

14. "The church has failed the members who are in our situation. I've lived in 3 wards since my marriage began to fall apart and only one bishop I could say cared. Though even he had no clue how to help."

15. "I just pray that I can put my life together some day. I have found much better friends outside the church and that is unfortunate but true."

16. "Thank you for doing this study. I once posted on a church related site that it is both fortunate and unfortunate that the church members cannot understand and support members going through divorce. Fortunate, since I wouldn't wish divorce on any one. Unfortunate, because members going through divorce need a lot of support. One of my goals is to offer my support when possible and appropriate to others going through what I have."

17. "God bless you too."

18. "My divorce remains completely unnecessary and yet there was no other option available. I know what she was capable of doing and I would never have seen my children again in this life had I not filed. If two people can come together even in small degrees then a joyful union is possible no matter how long it takes. The question is can they both be patient enough with each other and themselves to allow it to happen."

19. "As I mentioned in the first question: we as a Church don't know how to deal with divorce (men in particular). If we have basically done everything right and are striving to be the ideal family, we usually don't know how to deal with those who have had big problems in their lives such as sin or divorce (it's easier to relate to sickness/death in family). We have been so ingrained as to what the ideal Mormon family looks like (The Osmonds, the Homefront commercials from the 1970's), we are so caught up in "be ye therefore perfect" that we don't handle reality very well, and don't know how to relate to real world issues. No one knows how to deal with divorced men (they at least will always pity the women, believeing it is the man's fault - Pres. HInckley's statement in April 2004 General Conference blaming men for nearly all divorces doesn't help). On a related note (and much more involved topic, on which I am developing a detailed position paper): It is time we as a Church LDS Culture have a MAJOR (and openly direct) discussion about sexuality, and about Porn and sexual addictions....not just from the POV that "it's bad, don't do it", but also that within marriage, sex is wonderful, these other things are truly damaging: physically, emotionally, mentally - not just spiritually....and that most people fall into into/get sucked in accidentally/by a friend/peer pressure...very few are the stereotypical frat boy - trying to score with every girl around... Many give in to curiosity, or to peer pressure, or to intense crushing loneliness; others get involved because of experiences and influences similar to getting hooked on alcohol because you unknowingly drank the punch spiked with vodka at the High School dance, or by getting lung cancer from breathing second hand smoke for 20 years because your parents are both smokers. Most want to find a way out, and to finally be able to get out for good....without feeling constantly condemned for this weakness/self-inflicted mental disorder...and it's not just men - a good chunk of women also have these temptations/issues. Men are wired for visual stimulation, women for emotional response. Both genders are equally vulnerable to these influences, though in different ways. Both genders are subject to intense biological and emotional needs, cravings, and desires to be fulfilled. We tend to shame those who give into these urges, which only pushes them further into the shadows. Rather than shaming those who are struggling with sexual addictions/desires, when they need to be treating them with love and kindness and as helping them overcome a mental illness, or a smoking/drinking addiction. Granted…there WILL be some that have no interest in changing/repenting/conquering addictions, but they tend to be far less among LDS than what is generally thought. I have much more written on this topic..."

20. "This is my 3rd divorce, the other two would or might have different answers."

21. "Can't wait to see the results!"

22. "I think Church counseling through LDS Family services needs to be more professional and experienced, and professionals should be immediately sought out to help by Church leadership, because sometimes Church leadership doesn't know how to help in delicate and severe situations."

23. "Thank you for the survey, in its own way it was therapeutic for me."

24. "As much as the research is better than nothing, I don't believe it's a cookie cutter situation and the (survey) emphasis is on external support rather than core values and personal responsibility."

25. "Church counseling sucks, no help, Stake presidents washed their hands."

26. "We were married 31 years - 25 were great. I tried everything to save our marriage after she left. I never wanted a divorce and was still willing to work it out, regardless of what she had done. I know I'm not perfect, and the one regret I have is, that I think I subconsciously withdrew myself when I realized she started to phase me and the Church out after I found out 6 years before she was involved in outside interests behind my back. I should have brought it more to a head earlier to try and resolve it, but I stuck it out for our 4 children, the oldest leaving for a mission. She at least had the decency in her own mind to leave when the youngest turned 18. I don't understand why when someone has crossed the line, that they don't realize a loving spouse would still be willing to forgive them. They then loose the spirit, don't feel comfortable around it and seek relationships outside of the Church."

27. "Many leaders fail to understand or do not want to understand the financial burdens a single parents with children are those paying child support. Single parents are barely getting by. If we can afford the gas we can't afford the babysitting nor the entrance fee. As many single say we are the ugly step children that nobody wants to admit to."

28. "Why can't things like pornography, infidelity, abuse and the like be entered into the courts as to who is at fault, etc. ??"

29. "The brethren get it, they hear all day long from the singles in the church. It's the membership that need to get this. As a married person, I must say I had no clue what my single ward members were going through. As a HP group leader, I tried to be supportive to a couple of the brethren in my quorum. More training for our leaders is essential. I have found that women in the church work toward and hope for their x husbands to go inactive and do not realize how effective they are. The men just look for future peace for the most part. I can not remember the last single event I attended that multiple sisters have not bad mouthed their x husbands. When I meet some of these guys they are good men, not perfect who is but good guys doing their best. Charity never faith unless you're a divorced Mormon woman, then watch out! LOL."

30. "In cases of High Priest membership, actions are brought by Stake leaders rather than Ward leaders, so questions could be adapted accordingly."

31. "I worked very hard to have a good relationship with my ex and we get along quite well, but it took a lot of work on my part. We both participated in all aspects of the children's life, school and social. We would go to parent teacher interviews together and the kids activities together. The kids were the ones who benefited from having both parents in their lives and know that both parents love them. We feel that both kids have turned out ok, both are university graduates but neither are members of the church."

32. "It is a very big step to divorce, but I do not regret it now. I really did not want to at the time. It was extremely difficult for me. And it took me a year at least to get over it. I realized that the person she portrayed to me was not the person she really was. It was a shock. She claimed that the church made it impossible for her to be herself. Whatever that means.. Anyhow she made the divorce very difficult. But eventually it was done with. But as one knows it is very taxing on one's emotions."

33. "I was disappointed that number 53 did not include a choice for "friends that are church members but not in your ward." They were absolutely the most helpful of all. Many of the friends I've met in the church over the years who have stayed in my life are as important to me as any sibling, cousin, aunt or uncle. Only my parents and my children hold a closer place in my heart."

34. "This is a very good survey and starting point. Not sure what your intended purposes are, but the number one problem in divorces I believe is undiagnosed mental health issues, and along with that are symptoms of unhappy marriages, unrealistic expectations etc. which result in divorce. The Church is so behind in addressing this, and many families will continue to be destroyed. I get tired of talks from the pulpit about men who abuse women, when the opposite is not addressed equally. We do not talk about setting healthy boundaries and being equally yoked - we teach men to do more for their spouse - which actually makes them expect things unrealistically. We poison our own water in this regard... and if dealing with emotionally mature men and women.. this is the right approach, but when dealing with those who expect golden treatment, this provides them a misguided world view and they demand and demand and demand... I was married to an emotional black hole, almost lost my soul trying to make her happy... would plead with the heavens for interventions - her filing for divorce I see now as an answer to my pleadings and the still small voice whispered... "You are released from your contract with her- have peace" and I have... but she has become a darkened soul... her lies have followed her.. not sure when if ever she will come clean. I have reached out to her existing bishop telling him she is not paying support and continues to try and abuse the kids so they won't want to live with me... he should hold a bishops court, but they all shy away from facing the hard truths of mental illness. Doubtful she will ever get the help she deserves. Her father abused her ... I experienced mental, physical, verbal and sexual abuse. She would demand $3k a month in spending money in trade for sex... that is pretty broken... perhaps as broken as it can get... pleadings in court were ignored, everyone wants to be so kind and gentle, that abusers are not held to account.. hence no repentance process has been engaged and her patterns persist, passively aggressively... and the children still suffer."

35. "I would like to know of the results and what good my responses have served."

36. "I have spent a LOT of time studying this subject. I even helped make a video about how to treat your children that was required to be seen by all divorcing couples in several states including Utah. I would love to help you and anyone else get a better handle on what to do about this super tragic problem in our society and more especially in the Church. This survey did not cover the prejudice that I experienced when I had to move. That is a whole topic in and of itself. Even years later after I remarried, to this very day, I still get that prejudice."

37. "I believe that the church should stay on as high as ground as possible and be a patient as possible but that divorce should be a very, very last option in the church's view and that Bishops and other leaders, like they are told should not advise someone either to divorce or not to. But be stewards in leading people to focus on Christ like living. That being said yes there are some very, very difficult cases including those where some may need protection and safety, however I believe that the Church and the leaders should not become part of the judgement process either legally or socially. The role of the Church is to bring people to Christ and those roles should not be confused."

38. "Remember that you attend Church to be close to your Heavenly Father. If someone there is not supportive or is gossiping, that sin is theirs. How you react to it is yours. The Lord does love us one and all, married or single. There are far worse things in life than being single."

39. "The church needs more help supporting those with same sex attraction-Not enough is being done. We Need Love-Change-And Programs to Help Us Change-Especially, if we want that change."

40. "My Bishop told me that since divorce isn't a sin that my wife could date other men while we were still married and there wasn't anything the church could do. While I agree that this is true, I don't agree that they should not offer the council to stay married when ever possible."

41. "I have an unshakeable testimony of the book of Mormon and the restoration. I sustain our leaders and always maintain myself temple worthy. That being said, the policies of the church and the leadership at the top are very discriminatory toward men who have been divorced, from the pulpit at general conference they tend to put all blame on men and the members are taught through these policies and naive brethren to be very judgemental towards the men and sympathetic to the women."

                   THIS IS THE END OF THE RESULTS FOR THE SURVEY FOR LDS DIVORCED MEN

Thank you to all who have taken time to share with us of your experiences, and for all of your very helpful input!